News from Brussels

[pred]

EU Directive No. 45617

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

 

[pred]

More shyte jokes!



The telephone rings ... And the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, ... he's watching TV. Who shall I say is calling?"

 

[pred]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The KEY,” where a small key is
placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to
produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were
wonderful – the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the
woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and
I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said,
“Those aren't bags, those are your t its.”

She said, “No point asking about the beard then!”

 

[pred]

The Fairy & The Immigrant
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
>
>
> 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
>
> The man told the fairy:
> 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them.'
> The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
> He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
>
> 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
> The refugee claimant now got bolder.
> 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
> I want to bring them all over here.
> PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
>
> 'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
>
> I want to be British with British clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Brits.'
>
> PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
> He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
> 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
> 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
>
> The fairy said
>
> 'Tough luck. Now that you are British,
> you're entitled to sweet bugger all - just like the rest of us”. And she disappeared

 

[pred]

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[JBR]

Just sent 'The Key' to my mother in law. She'll appreciate that.

Another:

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"