Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

[pred]

I think this may have been on here before but not sure, always good for a laff




In case you need a laugh:

Remember, it takes a University degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............
S: Aircraft warned to smarten up, fly correctly, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[chapeau]

Remember, it takes a University degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Not true......

Lot easier to become a pilot than a mechanic

 

[pred]

Remember, it takes a University degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Not true......

Lot easier to become a pilot than a mechanic

As i'm an ex a/c mech P. (engines) i would really like to agree with you on this one, obviously i'm exceptionally intelligent and the jockies thick as two short planks. Alas its not true not in the RAF anyway.

Also dont put all the jockies in one bracket, to fly a passenger a/c you need to be a team player, whereas an interceptor you are on your own, any problems that arise inflight you're on it, there reaction times are phenominal, if you dont make the standard you fly Hercs, for this reason they make lousy airline pilots as any faults that come up they do not do team work, a whole different ball game and they would need retraining.

 

[chapeau]

Fast jet pilots in the RAF are, and I hate to say this as they already have too large an ego, rather extraordinarily good.

But for your civvy pilot, hardest part is earning the money to pay for your lessons. Those that don't get mumsy and daddy to pay....

Harder to become a mechanic.

 

[mysteryman]

You might bear in mind that Qantas is the only international airline that's never had a crash.

 

[chapeau]

That's what they would have you believe, but they have had plenty. The best they can claim is that they have never had a 'hull loss' or fatality in a jet.

In fact the rumour mill says that they will spend huge amounts of money fixing up bent airframes in order to maintain this record, other airlines (or their insurers) might scrap the plane as it's cheaper.

 

[mysteryman]

"they have never had a 'hull loss' or fatality"

Sounds good to me.

 

[securespark]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qantas#Airline_incidents