I think this just about sums up the over careful age we live in.....unfortunatley!!!!
> >
> > It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the
>French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary
>celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River
>Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat,
>safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's
>uniform. How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern health
>and safety regulations. You are now on the deck of the recently renamed
>British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.
> >
> > "Order the signal, Hardy."
> > "Aye, aye sir."
> > "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
>meaning of this?"
> >
> > "Sorry sir?"
> > "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender,
>sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is
>this?"
> >
> > "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
>now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it
>be considered racist."
> >
> > "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
> >
> > "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
>environments."
> >
> > "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
>steel the men before battle."
> >
> > "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
>policy on binge drinking."
> >
> > "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
>ahead."
> >
> > "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of
>water."
> >
> > "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
>must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." "That
>won't be possible, sir."
> >
> > "What?"
> >
> > "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
>said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
>there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
> >
> > "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
> >
> > "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
>"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
> >
> > "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
>environment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one
>arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise
>to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
> >
> > "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas
>of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
> >
> > "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
> >
> > "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
>up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing
>in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
> >
> > "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
>stand by to engage the enemy."
> >
> > "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This
>is mutiny."
> >
> > "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with
>murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers
>on board, watching everyone like hawks."
> >
> > "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir,
>we're not."
> >
> > "We're not?"
> >
> > "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
>According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
>stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
> >
> > "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
> >
> > "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
>sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
> >
> > "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
> >
> > "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
>put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
> >
> > "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and
>the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
>corporal punishment."
> >
> > "What about sodomy?"
> > "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
> >
> > "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
