Men v's Women
- Thread starter Gary_M
- Start date
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LMAO But I think someone has swapped a lot of mine and hubby's brain parts around 
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I have heard that men are better at spacial awareness and judging speed and distance.
I think that this is to do with brain make up.
however, Distance involves measurement....
we all know that men are a little er, well not always always accurate with measurements!!!!!
I think that this is to do with brain make up.
however, Distance involves measurement....
we all know that men are a little er, well not always always accurate with measurements!!!!!
I am going to be killed for this but hey ho it is in the spirit of the post
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need: There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need: There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
just for balance
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, January 9th, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes - Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, January 9th, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes - Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things - Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch - Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost - Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
.....to tip the blanace again
University Courses for Women
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: Why Men Don't Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Why Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load (mixed colours)
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Efforts
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
HE111: Learning to Buy Your Own Razor For Leg Shaving
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Cheque Book - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Tart And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Have Sex With Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
University Courses for Women
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: Why Men Don't Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Why Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load (mixed colours)
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Efforts
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
HE111: Learning to Buy Your Own Razor For Leg Shaving
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Else To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Cheque Book - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Tart And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Have Sex With Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month"
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
..suppose I should even things up
University Course For Men
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMT - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: Why We Do Not Want Pants and Socks For Christmas
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Total A*se When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets/duvet After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Find Something in the Freezer
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (How to seperate colours/whites)
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Kerb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Tights Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Colour-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Constructing Believable Excuses
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try and The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Oral Sex About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions
SE107: Alternatives To Deal With Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetiser Preceeding The Main Meal
University Course For Men
Etiquette and Behaviour:
EB101: PMT - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: Why We Do Not Want Pants and Socks For Christmas
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Total A*se When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets/duvet After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Find Something in the Freezer
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (How to seperate colours/whites)
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Kerb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Tights Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Colour-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Constructing Believable Excuses
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combating Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try and The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Oral Sex About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions
SE107: Alternatives To Deal With Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetiser Preceeding The Main Meal
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