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The Argument Sketch
A man walks into an office.
Man: (Michael Palin)
Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist:
Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man:
No, this is my first time.
Receptionist:
I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man:
Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist:
Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man:
Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Receptionist:
Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist:
Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man:
Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Angry man:
WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man:
Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man:
DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man:
What?
Angry man:
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!
Man:
Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
Angry man:
OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Man:
Oh! Oh I see!
Angry man:
Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M:
Oh...Sorry...
Angry man:
Not at all!
(under his breath) stupid git.
(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)
Man:
Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man
John Cleese)
I've told you once.
Man:
No you haven't!
Other Man:
Yes I have.
Man:
When?
Other Man:
Just now.
Man:
No you didn't!
Other Man: Yes I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I'm telling you, I did!
Man:
You did not!
Other Man:
Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man:
Ah!
(taking out his wallet and paying)
Just the five minutes.
Other Man:
Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man:
You most certainly did not!
Other Man:
Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
(pause)
Man:
It's just contradiction!
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
It IS!
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
You just contradicted me!
Other Man:
No I didn't!
Man:
You DID!
Other Man:
No no no!
Man:
You did just then!
Other Man:
Nonsense!
Man:
(exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is!
(pause)
Man:
I came here for a good argument!
Other Man:
AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!
Man:
An argument isn't just contradiction.
Other Man:
Well! it CAN be!
Man:
No it can't!
Man:
An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Other Man:
Look, if I "argue" with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man:
Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
It is!
Other Man:
Not at all!
Man:
It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
Other Man:
Thank you, that's it.
Man:
(stunned) What?
Other Man:
That's it. Good morning.
Man:
But I was just getting interested!
Other Man:
I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man:
That was never five minutes just now!!
Other Man:
I'm afraid it was.
Man:
(leading on) No it wasn't.....
Other Man:
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man:
WHAT??
Other Man:
If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man:
But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
Other Man:
I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Man:
Oh all right.
(takes out his wallet and pays again.)
There you are.
Other Man:
Thank you.
Man:
(clears throat) Well...
Other Man:
Well WHAT?
Man:
That was never five minutes just now.
Other Man:
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man:
Well I just paid!
Other Man:
No you didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I don't want to argue about it!
Other Man:
Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Man:
Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Other Man:
No you haven't!
Man:
Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Other Man:
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man:
I've had enough of this!
Other Man:
No you haven't.
Man:
Oh shut up!
(Man leaves the office and enters office next door)
Man: (Michael Palin)
I want to complain.
Complainer: (Eric Idle)
You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man:
No, I want to complain about...
Complainer:
If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man:
Oh!
Complainer:
Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door. Gets hit on head as he steps through.)
Man:
Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
Spreaders (Terry Jones):
No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. (hits him on the head again)
Man:
uuuwwhh!!
Spreaders:
Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Hold your hands here.
Man:
No.
Spreaders:
Now..
Man:
Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders:
Good, Good! That's it.
Man:
Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders:
What?
Man:
Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders:
Stop hitting you?
Man:
Yes!
Spreaders:
What did you come in here for?
Man:
I came here to complain.
Spreaders:
Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man:
What a stupid concept.
(Detective Inspector Fox enters.)
Inspector Fox:
Right. Hold it there.
Man and Spreaders:
What?
Inspector Fox:
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
Man and Spreaders:
Flying Fox of the Yard.
Inspector Fox:
Shut up! (he hits the man with a truncheon)
Man:
Ooooh?
Spreaders:
No, no, no - Waagh!
Inspector Fox:
And you. (he hits Spreaders)
Spreaders:
Waagh!
Inspector Fox:
He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him.
Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man:
What for?
Inspector Fox:
I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man:
The what?
Inspector Fox:
You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders:
It's a fair cop.
Inspector Fox:
And you tosh. (hits the man)
Man:
WAAAGH!
Inspector Fox:
That's excellent! Right, come on down to the Yard.
(Another inspector arrives.)
Inspector Gazelle:
Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
Inspector Fox:
Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!
Inspector Gazelle:
Shut up! (he hits him)
Inspector Fox:
Waaaagh!
Spreaders:
He's good.
Inspector Gazelle:
Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: WAAGH!
Man:
Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!
Inspector:
Good. Now I'm arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the "Not in front of the children" Act, two, always saying "It's so and so of the Yard" every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the "Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline" Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
(Another policeman enters.)
Policeman:
Hold it.
(puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector:
It's a fair cop.
(A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.)
CAPTION:
THE END
(Cut to BBC world symbol.)
Announcer's Voice:
And now on BBC 1, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
A man walks into an office.
Man: (Michael Palin)
Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist:
Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man:
No, this is my first time.
Receptionist:
I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man:
Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist:
Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man:
Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Receptionist:
Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist:
Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man:
Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Angry man:
WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man:
Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man:
DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man:
What?
Angry man:
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!
Man:
Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
Angry man:
OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Man:
Oh! Oh I see!
Angry man:
Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M:
Oh...Sorry...
Angry man:
Not at all!
(under his breath) stupid git.
(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)
Man:
Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man
John Cleese)I've told you once.
Man:
No you haven't!
Other Man:
Yes I have.
Man:
When?
Other Man:
Just now.
Man:
No you didn't!
Other Man: Yes I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I'm telling you, I did!
Man:
You did not!
Other Man:
Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man:
Ah!
(taking out his wallet and paying)
Just the five minutes.
Other Man:
Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man:
You most certainly did not!
Other Man:
Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
(pause)
Man:
It's just contradiction!
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
It IS!
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
You just contradicted me!
Other Man:
No I didn't!
Man:
You DID!
Other Man:
No no no!
Man:
You did just then!
Other Man:
Nonsense!
Man:
(exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is!
(pause)
Man:
I came here for a good argument!
Other Man:
AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!
Man:
An argument isn't just contradiction.
Other Man:
Well! it CAN be!
Man:
No it can't!
Man:
An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Other Man:
Look, if I "argue" with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man:
Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
It is!
Other Man:
Not at all!
Man:
It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
Other Man:
Thank you, that's it.
Man:
(stunned) What?
Other Man:
That's it. Good morning.
Man:
But I was just getting interested!
Other Man:
I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man:
That was never five minutes just now!!
Other Man:
I'm afraid it was.
Man:
(leading on) No it wasn't.....
Other Man:
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man:
WHAT??
Other Man:
If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man:
But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
Other Man:
I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Man:
Oh all right.
(takes out his wallet and pays again.)
There you are.
Other Man:
Thank you.
Man:
(clears throat) Well...
Other Man:
Well WHAT?
Man:
That was never five minutes just now.
Other Man:
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man:
Well I just paid!
Other Man:
No you didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I don't want to argue about it!
Other Man:
Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Man:
Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Other Man:
No you haven't!
Man:
Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Other Man:
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man:
I've had enough of this!
Other Man:
No you haven't.
Man:
Oh shut up!
(Man leaves the office and enters office next door)
Man: (Michael Palin)
I want to complain.
Complainer: (Eric Idle)
You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man:
No, I want to complain about...
Complainer:
If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man:
Oh!
Complainer:
Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door. Gets hit on head as he steps through.)
Man:
Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
Spreaders (Terry Jones):
No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. (hits him on the head again)
Man:
uuuwwhh!!
Spreaders:
Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Hold your hands here.
Man:
No.
Spreaders:
Now..
Man:
Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders:
Good, Good! That's it.
Man:
Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders:
What?
Man:
Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders:
Stop hitting you?
Man:
Yes!
Spreaders:
What did you come in here for?
Man:
I came here to complain.
Spreaders:
Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man:
What a stupid concept.
(Detective Inspector Fox enters.)
Inspector Fox:
Right. Hold it there.
Man and Spreaders:
What?
Inspector Fox:
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
Man and Spreaders:
Flying Fox of the Yard.
Inspector Fox:
Shut up! (he hits the man with a truncheon)
Man:
Ooooh?
Spreaders:
No, no, no - Waagh!
Inspector Fox:
And you. (he hits Spreaders)
Spreaders:
Waagh!
Inspector Fox:
He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him.
Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man:
What for?
Inspector Fox:
I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man:
The what?
Inspector Fox:
You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders:
It's a fair cop.
Inspector Fox:
And you tosh. (hits the man)
Man:
WAAAGH!
Inspector Fox:
That's excellent! Right, come on down to the Yard.
(Another inspector arrives.)
Inspector Gazelle:
Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
Inspector Fox:
Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!
Inspector Gazelle:
Shut up! (he hits him)
Inspector Fox:
Waaaagh!
Spreaders:
He's good.
Inspector Gazelle:
Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: WAAGH!
Man:
Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!
Inspector:
Good. Now I'm arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the "Not in front of the children" Act, two, always saying "It's so and so of the Yard" every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the "Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline" Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
(Another policeman enters.)
Policeman:
Hold it.
(puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector:
It's a fair cop.
(A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.)
CAPTION:
THE END
(Cut to BBC world symbol.)
Announcer's Voice:
And now on BBC 1, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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