Puns

[mandiehun]

A fella comes home from work and his girlfriend's sat on the stairs with her suitcases packed.
He says "What's the matter?"
She says "I'm leaving you cos you're a paedophile"








He says "That's a big word for an 8 year old"

I dont think that's the remotest bit funny, i know it's in jest but still

 

[securespark]

A vampire bat came back to the cave covered in fresh blood. His mates crowded round, demanding he show them where he had found his juicy feast.

Eventually, he gave in and the others followed him out of the cave through a forest and across a river.

"See that huge oak tree over there?" he asked his mates.

"Yeah, yeah?" they salivated.

"Well, I f'in didn't!"

 

[Belrose]

Well I doubt if I can trump Eddie, but here are a couple in quick before he comes back !

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She says to her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replies "They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal !"

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says "I'm sorry, Sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

Boom boom..... should I just give in ??
Bel

 

[EddieCurrent]

Well I doubt if I can trump Eddie ??

And why should that be of any concern of mine, go see your Doc ???

 

[mlb3c]

I wanted to exercise last night......

but

it just didnt work out

 

[EddieCurrent]

Hi mlb3c,

Line dancing around the hay to your 'tunes' ?

 

[masona]

If you are unhappy

Once upon a time,there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for winter.However,soon the weather turned so cold that
relunctantly started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in
a barnyard almost frozen.A cow passed by and crapped on the little
sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end,but the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings,warm and happy and happy to breath he started to
sing.Just then a large cat came by and on hearing the chirping investigated
the sounds.The cat cleared away the pile of manure,found the chirring
bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is:

1. Everyone who ****s on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the **** is not necessarily your
friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile **** keep your mouth shut.

 

[masona]

Little Mary was not the best kid in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. Today, the teacher called on her while she was
napping, '' Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, Johnny,
a boy sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God
Almighty !'' shouted Mary' and fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary
didn't wake up. Once again, Johnny jabbed her again. ''Jesus Christ!''
shouted Mary and fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher
fainted

 

[poshman]

Two Nuns in a bath.

First one says "where's the soap?"

Second one says "yes it does, doesn't it?"

dont get that

 

[slick50]

Not a pun but....

A mother goes into a toy shop and makes some enquiries about buying a Barbie doll for her daughter.

"How much is the beach Barbie" she asks.

"$20" replies the assistant.

"....and the disco Barbie"

"also $20" replies the assistant.

"What about that surfing Barbie" she asks.

"Oh that's $30"

"And what about that one with all the jewellery and nice clothes" asks the mother.

"Ahhh" says the assistant "Thats the divorced Barbie, that costs $500.

The mother's shocked"$500, you have to be joking".

"Ah but you see" says the assistant"That comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens camper, Kens boat........

 

[bernardgreen]

Two Nuns in a bath.

First one says "where's the soap?"

Second one says "yes it does, doesn't it?"

dont get that

You need to spend more time in a punnery.

Where good nuns sing with hope in their souls and bad nuns sing with soap..............................

 

[FredFlintstone]

Two Nuns in a bath.

First one says "where's the soap?"

Second one says "yes it does, doesn't it?"

dont get that

Probably the most non-understood joke ever.

Although it's "where's the soap?" it's intended to be interpreted as "wears the soap".

Need more explaining? The nun who's asking where the soap is is looking for the soap. The other nun, who is giving herself one with the soap, thinks the first nun knows what she's up to and thinks the first nun is telling her that giving yourself one with the soap wears the soap out quickly.

Regards

Fred

 

[bernardgreen]

When the Queen has a baby they fire a 21 one gun salute
If a nun has a baby they fire a dirty old canon.

========
They had to sack the doctor in charge of the maternity unit.
He really was responsible for all the babies there

=======


The russian condom factory burnt down and in deperation the Polit Bureau authorised a purchase of 10,000,000 from the USA. But insisted that the order specified that the length and girth be specified to show the russian man was well endowed. So they measured a normal condom and added 75% to the dimensions before sending the order to the USA.

The order was returned with a note asking " are you sure you want them this small "

===========

Two sisters, one Jenny is very attractive and the other Penny is just ugly. Their father left all his wealth to the ugly one as the good looking one could find a man to keep her. The same man dates both at the same time but they do not realise they are dating the same man until by chance they learn of his deception. Like good sisters they discuss him and his manhood.

He is very caring say the ugly one. He uses special condoms with my nickname on them, he say he gets them specially for me.

The good looking smiles as she knows the name printed on them is the maunfacturer Pensylvania Contraception Supply Company Incorporated

 

[twm.bwen]

Another rarley understood nun pun.

Two nuns in a car, they turn down an alley way to take a short cut only to be confronted by vampires.

One nun says to the other " Get out and show them your cross"

So the other nun gest out and shouts " F*ck OFf!"


Blap, boom boom splash.


Two nuns on a park bench.
A naked male model walks past letting it all hang out.
one nun has a stroke.
The other couldn't reach.

 

[bernardgreen]

A cannibal read a book on healthy eating and become a vegetarian.
Moved to Stockholm as he could only eat swedes.

A vampire was converted by the Jahova's Witness, and died of starvation.

What is worse than finding a maggot in the apple you are eating...
Finding half a maggot.