Tell us a joke

[Trazor]

An Irish one - Apologies in advance, although this actually came from an Irish guy in Galway !

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

 

[Whitespirit66]

BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

 

[Johnmelad502]

An Irish one - Apologies in advance, although this actually came from an Irish guy in Galway !

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

10/10 and I'm Irish

 

[Johnmelad502]

Pack of 3

A man walks into Boots the chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk past the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of those in sex education classes at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for collage boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for university students," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for..."

 

[Johnmelad502]

Rules Men Wished Women Knew1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the ?*ck*!g thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, ****ing standing up is more difficult than ****ing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.

 

[gremlin16]

Three Men on a Hike



Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river'



Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'



Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.





GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!



'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!' (in her drems)

 

[Johnmelad502]

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, and parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle, Norfolk and most other places north of Watford.

 

[Trazor]

An ugly old man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face.
The bartender asks him what he's got to be so happy about.

He says, "I was walking home last night when I noticed a girl tied to the rail tracks just like in the movies,So I set her free".

"One thing led to another and I took her back to my place, We rocked the house, doing anything you'd imagine, and a few things you wouldn't. It was the best night of my life"

"Was she pretty?" Asks the barman.




"I dunno, I never found her head."

 

[namsag]

reminds me of the negrophiliac (spelling?) some rotten c@@t split on him

 

[namsag]

Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest.

Acne doesn't usually come on an alterboys face till he is 13

 

[namsag]

Michael jackson was teaching his son how to w@@k . The boy said this is fantastic dad, jackson replied and when your 13 you can use your own

 

[Johnmelad502]

A true story – HONEST

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbours' bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

[Johnmelad502]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

 

[Trazor]

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
She is now an unmarried single mother with three children from different fathers, two white and one black.

Job done!

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The traditional Christmas pantomime for paranoid schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when Widow Twanky shouted, "He's Behind You!"

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Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Ok OK .............. I'll get my coat.

 

[Richardp]