Best Put-Downs?

[Whitespirit66]

Heard a couple recently, that appealed to my sense of humour. They were quite witty, and put the victim in their place. Doubt they're new, but I've not heard them before. Wondered if anyone else had any more.

My two -

In my local the other night, and a younger lad who comes in occasionally was acting a bit loud and daft.

The landlady looked over at him, flashed him a look, and said ''Martin, didn't anyone ever tell you, it's not a good idea to drink on an empty head''.


Worked on a large job recently, and there was an old sweat on same job. Anyway, his apprentice had done something stupid. When told they would have to work late to make up for his error, the lad complained that he would miss football practice. The old hand's reply was - ''If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between $hit and syphilis''.


Any more good ones?

 

[snico]

On a family holiday about 6 or 7 years ago (all family members, brothers, sisters etc)

My sisters little boy was having one if his 'little brat' days!

My sister joked and said 'i'll smack your bum if you dont stop messing' or something like. (she's never hit her kids by the way)

A German lady wandered over after over hearing, and in very good English she says, 'in Germany we dont hit children'

My sister replied 'in England we dont gas jews!' My sister is normally very quiet so it shocked all of us

 

[enyam]

We were at a training course where the the trainer introduced himself with a long winded opening,the baton was passed to us and when a colleague just said his name the trainer said you don't have a lot to say the colleague replied "why use ten words when one will do" could have cut the air with a knife.

 

[Daz66]

I worked in an office a while ago and there was one guy who was the joker of the pack, usually at someone else's expense.

One day he decided to pick on me, contradicting everything I said very loudly and then laughing histerically.

I said a few things and waited, he attacked and waited for the laughter fomr every one, I then stopped waited for silence and said (loudly) "Colin, I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is obviously unarmed......"

He stood there for a few seconds whilst everyone else roared with laughter, then called me a **** and left red faced.............

After that he was very quiet whenever he came back into the office!!!!

 

[Djnikon]

In a meeting, one manager put forward a phenomenally stupid idea. Our director turned totally deadpan and said, "If you applied to the circus as a clown you would fail the interview for being over-qualified!"

Brilliant

 

[Maxsys]

Here's a classic, American female sports reporter walks into a football teams dressing room after they had one the superbowl, one of the guys stands up naked and says "what do you think about that?"

She replies cool as you like "It's like a penis only smaller"

LOL

 

[gas112]

Bird i went to school with and thought she was gorgeous and too good for us .
Comes up to me in a night club years later and says hi ya are not going to speak to me .
Looks at her with a dead pan face and says . I aint got a clue who you are but you look like a far fatter version of a girl called ### #### . i went to school with.
Used some choice words and stormed off

 

[Whitespirit66]

Another one I'd forgotten -


Worked for a big company some years ago. One of the managers, Mike, thought he was far cleverer than he actually was, and liked to take the mickey out of others. One day, he said the wrong thing to someone in the office. The office worker's next words were -

''Mike, have you been circumsised?''

''No''

''Just as I thought. You're a complete pr**k!''

Could have heard a pin drop. Before the roars of laughter started that is.


Some good ones on here. Keep them coming.

 

[BigRobCanUFixIt]

another one I like and use often is

If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I would of farted.

 

[sooey]

Best one I've ever heard...........


“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

 

[enyam]

Astor accused Churchill of being drunk his response was that she was ugly but he would be sober in the morning.

 

[imamartian]

Best one I've ever heard...........


“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

classic !!

 

[wotan]

Astor accused Churchill of being drunk his response was that she was ugly but he would be sober in the morning.

Bessie Bradock, Winston, you are drunk! Betty you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober.

Wotan

 

[sooey]

Winston wasn't exactly an oil painting himself was he The old bu66er.

 

[raebhoop]

Heard at an airport...

Loud mouthed son of a well known MP to a girl customs officer who was asking him questions...

"Do you know who my Father is?"

Her reply..."No,do you?"