Best Put-Downs?

[gas112]

Fat guys answer back to bloke calling him a fat bassa. Yeah blame your wife evertime i sh#g her she gives me a biscuit.

Or when was the last time you saw your c#ck , answers in the mirror at the end of your bed (most people have a mirror in bedroom)

Shuts most people up

 

[conny]

Heard at an airport...

Loud mouthed son of a well known MP to a girl customs officer who was asking him questions...

"Do you know who my Father is?"

Her reply..."No,do you?"

Heard similar question but the reply was;

"No, Have you asked your mother?"

 

[BigRobCanUFixIt]

when I was a kid I was waiting for more trolleys to arrive at the airport, when they arrived everone rushed to get one and a lady pushed infront of me. My dad said excuse me love and she replied "there's no need torush" my dad replied with "you could of fooled me love"

Another one

My uncle was on his motorcycle with aunty on the back and my mum in the sidecar trying to turn right accross a busy dual caarageway with no traffic lights. The car behind got impatient and started bibbing him, so he got off walked over to the car and said. "Sorry I'm trying to get my family accross the road safely, if you can do a better job please do it for me whilst I sit hear bibbing your horn for you" the guy soon shut up.

Another one

Same uncle came to visit soon after the road layout by the m3 in frimley changed. He got confused and lost and was dithering about trying to find his way. A car behind started bibbing so annoyed he got out asking the driver behind. "Do you know where you're bloody going" he replied yes, where my uncle replied "well I bloody don't" the guy changed his tune and gave quite helpful directions...

When I was a kid again dad was driving mums car and a bloke in a jag smashed into the back of it. They were dealing with it at the siide of the road when me as a 5 year old rolled the window down and said "I'm going to tell my mum on you" to the jag driver (bet he was terrified after that one.

 

[45yearsagasman]

Robert Whiting, an gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At
French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."
"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival
in France !"
The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show
a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop

 

[holmslaw]

A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."

 

[Whitespirit66]

On a similar note to 45yearsagasman's -

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half-dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

Some good ones on here. Keep them coming.

 

[misterdubya]

Heard one today funnily enough... (and probably a well known one - but not to me.)

A 'pretty daft' plumber in my neck of the woods asking for something that none of us tradesmen could work out in our local merchants.

Luke who works there just said, "I dont get it mate, you need a check-up from the neck up"

Made me smile.

 

[securespark]

Winston wasn't exactly an oil painting himself was he The old b****r.

Churchill was not always a stout fellow...

 

[sooey]

No, but he always had a face like a bulldog licking pizz off a nettle.

 

[enyam]

Just reading the Daniels thread and reminds me of when Mrs Merton said to Debbie Mcgee "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels"

 

[conny]

Just reading the Daniels thread and reminds me of when Mrs Merton said to Debbie Mcgee "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels"

And she replied.......?

 

[Caoineadhcuchulainn515]

Best one I heard. Man to a very pretty girl , "Darling , I could live in your big brown eyes!" Girl , "You would be at home.............I have a stye in one of them !"

 

[Hysteresis]

This I am told happened in a Local Sainsbury's Car Park
A woman in a BMW X6, was about to negotiate carefully into a free parking space. A young guy in an Porsche Boxter snatched the parking place from under the women's nose (or should that be Bonnet), Extricating himself from his poser Car he said to the woman.
"When You are young and quick as I am, you can do things like that" and walked away. At that the woman drove her X6 into the back of the young guys Boxter causing quite a bit of bodywork damage, to the horror of the young guy who ran back to his car and asked what she was doing , to which she replied
"When you are as Old and Wealthy as I am, you can do things like that"
Priceless

 

[45yearsagasman]

JFK's Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 1960's
when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all
US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "Does
that include those who are buried here?

You could have heard a pin drop.

Here's another one doing the rounds.

 

[gasbanni]

Dorothy Parker in response to a letter from her editor asking for more stories during her honeymoon

" I’ve been too F ****ing g busy and vice versa."