B
breezer
a skeleton goes into a pub and says "pint of lager and a mop please"
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B
breezer
bloke walks into a bar "ouch" (says the bloke) it was an iron bar
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was the skeleton joke THAT bad, or should i elaborate?
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was the skeleton joke THAT bad, or should i elaborate?
- Joined
- 22 May 2004
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- 1
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Q: Why did God create man first?
A: To give him a chance to say something.
A: To give him a chance to say something.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened when she brings it.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
None.
It should be opened when she brings it.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
God created Adam.
God told Adam "I will create you a companion. She shall be beautiful, compassionate, understanding, will fulfill your every desire and will leave you wanting for nothing. All it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute and asked "What do I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
God told Adam "I will create you a companion. She shall be beautiful, compassionate, understanding, will fulfill your every desire and will leave you wanting for nothing. All it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute and asked "What do I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
- Joined
- 11 Jan 2004
- Messages
- 43,548
- Reaction score
- 2,798
- Country
What about the Gay Agoraphobic?
He came out, and went straight back in again...
Or the Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac?
Stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog??
There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said as the Curate withdrew
The vicar is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you
Piece of string went into bar, orders a drink.
"Let me know if my mate comes in."
Later a very dishevelled piece of twine came in looking like he'd been dragged thro' a hedge backwards.
Barman looks at him quizzically and asks "you a piece of string?"
The unkempt fellow said, "No, I'm a frayed knot"
or the parrot sitting on long johns shoulder as he heaves up over the side... "Pieces of carrot, pieces of carrot.....!"
BOOM BOOM!!
He came out, and went straight back in again...
Or the Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac?
Stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog??
There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said as the Curate withdrew
The vicar is quicker
And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you
Piece of string went into bar, orders a drink.
"Let me know if my mate comes in."
Later a very dishevelled piece of twine came in looking like he'd been dragged thro' a hedge backwards.
Barman looks at him quizzically and asks "you a piece of string?"
The unkempt fellow said, "No, I'm a frayed knot"
or the parrot sitting on long johns shoulder as he heaves up over the side... "Pieces of carrot, pieces of carrot.....!"
BOOM BOOM!!
I
Igorian
Scene: public executions by guillotine Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...
First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardoned.
Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardoned.
Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardoned.
Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardoned.
Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
S
skwirrel
Man walks into a bar with steering wheel around his genitals.
Barman enquires " What's that steering wheel doing there?"
Man replies " Dunno but it's driving me nuts!"
Barman enquires " What's that steering wheel doing there?"
Man replies " Dunno but it's driving me nuts!"
S
skwirrel
Wife stands for
Washing, Ironing, Feeding & Entertainment
Washing, Ironing, Feeding & Entertainment
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus turns to his mate and says "He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out".
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum, then across at Brutus and says....... "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing......
...away Gauls count double in Europe."
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus turns to his mate and says "He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out".
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum, then across at Brutus and says....... "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing......
...away Gauls count double in Europe."
- Joined
- 28 Nov 2003
- Messages
- 1,021
- Reaction score
- 1
- Country
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Young virginal girl is sitting on a plane when all of a sudden there is an explosion and the plane starts to plummet, amongst all the people frightened she is the loudest screaming and shrieking "I don't want to die, i'm so young i havn't lived my life yet" a woman sitting next to her tries her best to calm her down but to no avail "I havn't seen the world yet","I havn't had the experience of being with a man...of feeling a real woman"
with that a man comes walking up the gangway and shouts at her "you want to feel like a real woman do you?" with that he rips off his shirt and trousers, slings them at her and says "well iron these then".
with that a man comes walking up the gangway and shouts at her "you want to feel like a real woman do you?" with that he rips off his shirt and trousers, slings them at her and says "well iron these then".
, but if you need to know more on this, there are course notes - Status
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