Jokes thread...?

[BOB D.O.L.E]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

 

[BOB D.O.L.E]

Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"

 

[BOB D.O.L.E]

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

 

[bernardgreen]

Doctor:- "Mrs Jones I have some good news for you

Patient:- " It's Miss Jones

Doctor:- "Miss Jones I have some bad news for you

 

[Daz66]

A young man goes into a bar and orders a pernod and black, hes drinks it down in one and slams the glass on the bar and orders another, he drinks this down in one also.

He then orders a glass of absinth which he bolts down, the barman surprised at this says to the young man "your in a hurry what are you celebrating?"
"my first BJ" say the young man
"well this is a cause for celebration, the next ones on me, what'll it be"
"anything"replies the young man"as long as it takes the taste away"

 

[techwondo]

Last night i slept like a baby. I woke up 3 times and wet the bed.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Flattery will get you nowhere, but flatulance will - if you light it.

Ive called by dog "stay". I have endless fun shouting come here, stay.... come here, stay...

My other dog is called "fire", but he always goes missing so i shout for him out of my window. Why does the fire brigade keep comming to my house?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I saw a man carrying a very long stick, so i asked him if we was a pole vaulter, he said "yah, und how did you know my name vas Valter?"

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

If ants are such busy animals, why are they always at picnics?

How brave was the first man who thought, "ill drink the first thing that comes out of those droopy things under that cow"?

I've been getting into astonomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Tinsel is really snake mirrors.

99% of solicitors give the rest a bad name.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If superman is bulletproof, why does he dodge the thrown empty gun?

 

[Trazor]

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause pain and suffering for years after its been eaten.



































It's called wedding cake.

 

[JohnD]

Last night I got home late, and found I'd forgotten my key. I looked through the letterbox, and saw the cat sitting on the mat watching me.

"Hey, Tiddles," I said "go to my coat on the hook there, take the keys out of the pocket, and pass them to me through the letterbox."

the cat looked at me, and said:


"Me? How?"

 

[Trazor]

There was an old man who was married to a very young woman.

The old man was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

The old man looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs your underpants."

 

[Trazor]

There was a Daddy Balloon a Mummy balloon and a baby balloon. One night they were getting ready for bed and Baby balloon wanted to sleep in his mummy and daddy's bed.

Daddy Balloon said ''You are too old to sleep in our bed. It is time you started sleeping in your own bed. So off you go'' So baby balloon sadly trooped of to his own bed.

Later that night he crept into his parents room and tried to climb in with them. But there was not enough room. So very carefully he reached down and let a little air out of his Dad.

He tried to get in but there was still not enough room. So he reached down and let a little air out of his Mum.

He tried again to climb in, but there still was not quite enough room. So he reached down and let out a little of his own air. He climbed back into the bed and fitted in perfectly between his parents. He was soon asleep.

In the morning when Daddy balloon woke up he was very very cross.He turned to baby balloon and said. ''I told you that you are too old now to sleep in our bed and you have disobeyed me. You have let me down, you have let your mother down and worst of all you have let yourself down.''.............

 

[Trazor]

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano
Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20
foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in
time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two
reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling .......

It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said
to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they)

"I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."


"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*** -all about shark
fishing.

 

[JohnD]

Harry Potter now knows Hermione is a natural blonde.




He's seen her Golden Snitch.

 

[JohnD]

Gordon Brown is being shown round a hospital, and towards the end of his visit he is taken to a ward to meet some of the patients.

He approaches one man, who has no obvious signs of injury, and asks him how he feels. The man replies: `Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the pudding-race!'

Perplexed, the PM approaches the man in the next bed and asks him why he is in hospital. `Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit,' says the man.

A third patient tells him: `Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie...'

Embarrassed, Mr Brown turns to the doctor accompanying him and whispers: `What's the matter with them? Is this the psychiatric ward?'

`No,' replies the doctor. `It's the Burns unit.'

 

[TeMac]

bloke walks into pub `3 pints of bitter please mate`...gets his 3 pints and downs em in couple of mins.....`4 pints of guinness please mate`...gets his 4 pints and downs em in 3 minutes...`5 pints of stella please mate`...gets his 5 pints and downs em in 3 minutes. `Scuse me mate, do you sell shorts ?` The barman replies `yes, coure we do`....bloke then says `thank f**k fo that, I think ive just s**t meself`

 

[TeMac]

bloke walks into a pub and orders 8 double jack daniels. Barman gives bloke the drinks and the bloke downs em one after another. `Bloody hell mate !` remarked the barman. Bloke then says `you would do that if you had what I got`.....`sorry mate, erm what you got` ....bloke turns round and says `50p`