Sh*t jokes forum.

[Gasman28]

The Queen's Riddle
David Cameron asked the Queen,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient commonwealth and government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

David Cameron then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Mum?"



The Queen smiled and said to Charles,

"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Ah Ha I get it said David, thank you Mam !
And in a great rush he left.

David Cameron went back to Parliament
He decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question.
"Nick, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Nick Clegg.
And then in True Nick Clegg Style he went on to say.

"Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Nick went to the toilet, and found Nigel Farage in there.

Nick Clegg went up to Nigel Farage and asked,
"Hey Nigel, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Nick" replied Nigel.
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Nigel Farage answered, without stalling said;

"That's easy, it's me!"

Nick Clegg grinned, and said,
"Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Nick Clegg then, went back to find David Cameron and said to him;
"David, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

" If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister
The Child is Nigel Farage !"

David Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Nick Clegg, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"


. . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL !

 

[Gasman28]

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

 

[charlyfarly]

Ruben had been on his knees praying for a lottery win every saturday night for a year in the hope of attracting some divine help to give him a win. When on his last occasion a voice came from above.."Ruben..Ruben!!.. I hear your plea!.. Do me a favour... Meet me halfway... BUY A F'.IN TICKET

 

[JBR]

Doctors at the London hospital which will be treating the British Ebola patient were asked what dietary facilities were in place. Doctors said that he would have toast in the morning, cheese on toast for lunch and jam on toast for tea. The doctors were asked if toast would help in his treatment. They said, "No, it's the only thing we can slide under the door."

 

[terrypin]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[charlyfarly]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irving . All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece... when it used to be the size of a nickel." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion You drive a $350,000 Ferrari, You get $3,000 a week allowance, You take 6 vacations a year and You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!

Two preists were walking home one evening in golders green (London) when they were approached by a group of thugs. One preist said to the other.. " I think were'e going to get mugged here Ruben!.. Ruben replied " I think your'e right Hymie!.. By the way, here's that 50 Quid I owe you....

 

[terrypin]

A guy dies and goes to hell. After a few months he asks lucifer if he has any jobs that will punish him for his ghastly deeds in life.

Lucifer gives him a cup and tells him to go and empty every ocean, sea, lake, stream and puddle.

Off the guy goes with cup in hand. 600 years later he returns, done that boss he tells lucifer.

A month goes by and he's feeling guilty again so approaches his boss who gives him a spoon and tells him to go and flatten every mountain, hill, plateau etc.

A 1000 years pass before he returns.

A month later his guilt is torturing him, again he goes to lucifer "boss I was really evil in life and I am riddled with guilt, I need something more punishing to make up for my nasty deeds"

Lucifer thinks about it for a while then replies " you're right, you were very nasty in life and need to be severely punished, a punishment that will last for eternity so go and sit next to munchingB and listen to his conspiracy theories"

 

[Sammy88]

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

[charlyfarly]

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

I visited a fortune teller at a seaside resort this year.. She gazed into her crystal ball and said..."I see you are the father of two children!.. I held up three fingers and said actually, three.... Yes, she continued, I see you are the father of two!

 

[gingerjames]

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh...

Well, this is a thread for sh#t jokes

 

[gregers]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames



The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'



'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'



'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.



'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'



'Down the other side of the river near the car park by Westminster.'



'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc.



'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.



Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the !Removed! out of them and eat 'em!'



'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.


See, by the time you finish shaking the !Removed! out of a

Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase!!.

 

[gregers]

Posted Today, 07:58 PM
Mr Jones bumps into his Doctor in Sainsburys and get chatting.
Doctor: Ah Mr Jones, I have to tell you I got your Wifes test results muddled up with another Mrs Jones.
I have to inform you she either has Dementia or HIV.
Mr Jones: Well how can I tell?
Doctor: Drop her 5 miles from your house and if she finds her way home then don't sleep with her.

 

[gregers]

How can you recognise a transvestite in Manchester?



They have a wigan address.

 

[JBR]

We went to see the red arrows today. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hours entertainment, but in the end my wife finally managed to park the car.

 

[JBR]

I nearly became a doctor

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via email.