Sh*t jokes forum.

[jupiter77]

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

[JBR]

I asked my goldfish what his name is.

It turns out it is BOB.

(I can lip read.)

 

[JBR]

View media item 77592

 

[Whitespirit66]

Untitled

• Whitespirit66
• 20 May 2014
• 1

 

[JBR]

View media item 77644

 

[JBR]

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

 

[misterdubya]

Manchester United have quietly Cancelled Marouane Fellaini's Birthday Celebrations and crossed their fingers...

 

[JBR]

Colin was at home watching a football match when his wife Anne asked him "Honey, would you fix the light in the hall please, it's been flickering for weeks now".

He looked at her and said, rather angrily "fix the light now? Can you see EON written on my forehead? I don't think so"

"Fine" was Anne's retort.

Then she asks Colin "Well then, will you fix the fridge door, it doesn't close properly"

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Can you see Frigidair written on my forehead? I don't think so"

"Fine" she says, "then would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break!"

"I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps" he says. Does it look as though I have Wickes written on my forehead?
I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub"!!!

So off he goes to the pub and stays there drinking for a couple of hours................after which he starts to feel guilty about how he had treated Anne and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house he sees that the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer he notices that the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey" he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said "well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a nice cake.

Colin said "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Anne replied "Hellooooo..... can you see McVities written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

 

[cajar]

I've got a new guard dog, but it's letting every cvnt in..... turns out it's a UK BORDER COLLIE

 

[JBR]

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....

Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"

· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"

The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.

 

[JBR]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"








So, they walked past it again...

 

[JBR]

I saw an ad which said:
TV for sale, but it's stuck on full volume.

I thought, how can you turn that down?

 

[JBR]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bunch of flowers.
The sweet-shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a big box of chocolates.
Then the wine-merchant's son struggled up to the teacher's desk with a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it white wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.........


…


…


...


...


.........."it's a PUPPY!!"

 

[conny]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[JBR]

Following Subway's decision to stop selling ham and bacon so as not to offend the Muslim community, B&Q have stopped selling nails and timber so as not to offend Christians.