Sh*t jokes forum.

[pred]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and
urging her to get back into the world. Finally,
Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to
one another and after dating for six weeks, he
asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he
did, and there she stood nude, except for a pair
of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body
is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same----she stood
there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit again
----but this time he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I Want to offer my deepest condolences.

 

[pred]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

 

[JBR]

Excellent. Especially that last one.

 

[gregers]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.

After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

 

[gregers]

Went to a health self awareness course, the doctor said to this gorgeous 'woman on the front row, 'For instance, are you aware what your arsehole is doing when you are having a orgasm??' She said "Probably playing golf with his mates as usual

 

[JBR]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm old of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[pred]

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today. '

 

[gregers]

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?



Wipe it off and apologise.

 

[gregers]

I had a water fight with the local kids in the park this afternoon.

I won, no-one is a match for me and my kettle.

 

[gregers]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus 'Ladies' and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus 'Gentlemen'. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English b*****d and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought he'd go one further than those mainland b*****ds and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...'"

 

[JBR]

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common
with Michael
Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the English Cricket Team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the English Cricket Team and a funeral
director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

 

[JBR]

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the
pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie put your
hat and coat on, lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock that 's nice - are you taking me tae the pub
with you?"

"Nay," Jock replied, "I'm switching the heat off while I'm out."

 

[pred]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? *A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down,make a tyre,and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? *
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...



BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS


Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated as the world's best short joke.........
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?


'Not yet,' she replied.

 

[gregers]

A 73 yr old woman was in court for streaking at the Cheshire flower show
she was let off with a caution
but was awarded 1st prize for the best dried bush arrangement

 

[JBR]

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'

Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Fred.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Fred, wake up! You've sh*t the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!