Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when my wife shouted from the kitchen,
"What would you like for Dinner My Love, chicken, beef , or lamb" ?,
I said " Thank you , I'll have chicken please ",
She Replied " Your having soup you Fat Git " !!!!!
I Was Talking To The CAT !!!!! .
A motor cycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his
shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and
... take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a
question?"
The surgeon walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up,
wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I
open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
Try it with the engine running.
St Peter heard loud knocking at the Pearly Gates one day so he went out to investigate. He found 20 people from the Gorbals outside. St. Peter didn't know what to do. He'd never seen people from the Gorbals at Heaven's Gate before so he said "Wait a mo'. I'll just check with God."
He went into God and explained that there were 20 people from the Gorbals outside the Pearly Gates. God pondered, rubbed his chin, then said "Go out to them and just let 10 in, the other 10 can go down below."
St. Peter went out to the Pearly Gates but a moment later he came running into God crying "They're gone! They're gone!"
"What?" says God "The people from the Gorbals are gone?" "No, No," says St. Peter "The Pearly Gates, the Pearly Gates, they're gone!"
This gorgeous blonde was at the Highland Games and she became curious about whether Scotsmen wore anything under their kilts, so she approached Big Rory McTavish who was tossing the caber around like a matchstick and asked him,
"Do you wear anything under your kilt?"
"Have a peek, if you want to know" said Big Rory.
She did and then recoiled backwards saying "Oooh! It's gruesome!"
"Have another wee look, lassie" said McTavish "and yee'll find it's grew some more!"
Skeleton walks into a bar and says "Pint of lager and a mop"
What's the difference between iron man and iron woman?
Iron man is a superhero, iron woman is an instruction.
Arthur is 80 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his
wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the
ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my
brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 90 years old. He can't
help."
"He may be 90," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the
fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's assistant came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude. He asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them??'
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
