When we were on our cruise and were going up and down the stairs, my wife kept on nagging me about running my hand along the handrails - they were brass. Working in a hospital she told me she doesn’t touch anything on the way to her office. After the umpteenth time of being told off like a naughty child I said "These handrails are ****ing spotless” and to prove it I, er, licked it. Middle of the night I had a violent pain in my belly and on three separate occasions I had to go to the toilet. And quick. I was alright the next day, a bit shakey, but I left those ****ing handrails alone afterwards!