Sh*t jokes forum.

[JBR]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 

[JBR]

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and "in heat', agreed to look

after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two
dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs, and found
the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to
disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do
next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered
in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang
up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will
then call you back, and the noise of the ringing will make
the male lose his erection, and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me", he replied.

 

[45yearsagasman]

Very first post explains it all. (could be why it's actually called an "archive" )

No more comments about that Joe? I thought not.

 

[joe-90]

That's why this thread is called the sh*t jokes thread. Just post them all here and the rest of us can ignore them.

 

[pred]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel .

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.

"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

 

[JBR]

A warning for all men who may be regular B&Q Hardware Store customers - be careful. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two young 20 - 21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts making out with you , while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.
Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 21st, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.


University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol = Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol = Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was "where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, it's Africa !
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers is not a correct answer!

 

[pred]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles ask the chemist.

"Nah then lad, does tha sell ar5e cream"

Chemist replies.

"Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

[JBR]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his face over by the holy water," said the boy.

My hamster died from lack of exercise. He just didn't have the wheel to live.............

The National Eczema Association are currently fund-raising. They've just launched a scratch card.

Archaeologists have just found an ancient book that had been lost for years in Donegal.
It's called 'Irish Country Dancing part 2, What to do with your arms.'

The Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.

Latest casualty of economic situation. I heard that Winalot have gone under. They have called in the retrievers.

BREAKING NEWS: David Moyes will allow Wayne Rooney to leave if a hand-written transfer request is handed in. He's now expected to stay at United.

Apparently there's going to be a remake of the film The Never Ending Story.
It starts off where a man asks a woman how her day went...

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.
I'm on the highway to Hull!

Ikea has warned that some of its children's beds are unsafe. Specifically, the ones they sold to Catholic boarding schools.

My transvestite friend never looks good in a mini skirt... I have to admire his balls for trying though.

ADHD, Tourettes, Autism, they were just known as council house kids when I was young.

I've just got a job stuffing animals.. I'm not a Taxidermist, I work at a McDonald's in Liverpool.

If online bullying has taught us anything, it's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.

 

[pred]

In the cold snap we had the other day Mrs Pred phoned to say the windows had frozen, I replied spray the car de icer on them, half an hour later she phones me back to say the computer is now totally fked....

 

[JBR]

 

[s60tsy]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

 

[JBR]

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom
will be known as the Former United Kingdom.... (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Lib Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan:
"Please Vote No For F.U.K.'s sake!" They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those from Glasgow.

 

[JBR]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.


The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my a r s e is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

 

[pred]

I didn't see that one coming...

 

[pred]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that just go on and on came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Hey mate, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche