Sh*t jokes forum.

[pred]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..



While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




















God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you.

 

[pred]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.



The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.



The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

[Whitespirit66]

'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'

Respect where it's due...


That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker.

 

[JBR]

An Afghan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"A man is sitting on the well!"

 

[JBR]

David Blaine and Dynamo walk into a bakery.

Blaine palms 3 doughnuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Dynamo, I make doughnuts disappear at will!"

Dynamo responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Dynamo then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick.

The curious owner answers, "Of course!"

Dynamo asks him for a doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and eats that as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick?" says the puzzled baker. I gave you 3 doughnuts already!"

Dynamo responds, "Go check David Blaine's pocket."

 

[JBR]

A Teaching Moment!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be "very, very disappointed."

 

[s60tsy]

just had a conversation like this watching the chase tonight

 

[pred]

just had a conversation like this watching the chase tonight

And being a know-it-all I got it right, pinch punch what comes next? What a bimbo, and this lady not for turning, good grief that is nearly as famous as "We will fight them on the beaches" speech.. But it was worth watching because of the comedian Russel Kane, though the chaser is pretty quick witted Ann something...

 

[JBR]

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to
see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home. After
drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his
personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see
that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's
private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal
too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too
self-indulgent... Even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary
how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold
urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I
found out who pi**ed in your saxophone!

 

[JBR]

My neighbour is an agoraphobic Jehovah 's Witness. He spends all day knocking on the inside of his own door hoping someone will answer.

 

[JBR]

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and saying, "You sign, you sign!"

The bewildered ex-president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!"

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again holding out a clipboard and screaming "You sign! You sign!"

Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person!"

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer?"

 

[cajar]

Is it too soon to say nelson mandela abused me as a child?

 

[JBR]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

 

[Whitespirit66]

An apprentice lion tamer is getting some advice from the circus's head tamer before he goes into the cage for the first time.

The old hand tells the apprentice that if the lion comes towards him, he is to pick up the chair and wave it at the lion.

"What if the lion keeps coming towards me?" asks the nervous apprentice.

The head lion tamer tells him to to grab the whip and wave it at the lion.

"But what if the lion still keeps coming?" asks the apprentice.

The head tamer tells him to bend down and pick up some sh*t from the floor behind him, and rub it in the lion's eyes.

"And if there's no sh*t on the floor behind me?" he nervously asks.

"Oh don't worry, there will be" is the head tamer's reply.

 

[DiscoDancer]

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy 4 cases of 1664 dead cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the back seat and headed back home. I stopped at a filling station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the 4 boxes of 1664, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ... I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"