Sh*t jokes forum.

[conny]

Married And Content.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'get your own ****ing blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

[JBR]

Married And Content.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'get your own **** blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

I can relate to that!

 

[DiscoDancer]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice scotch. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside checkpoint but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

[JBR]

Good post Joe, Martian, whoever!

 

[Whitespirit66]

Reminds me of when Jethro and his mate had been out on the lash one night in Penzance and missed the last bus home. Not having enough money for a taxi, they hung around in the centre of town thinking what to do.

After a while they decided to go to the bus station, which was now closed for the night, to see if they could pinch a bus to get home.

Jethro said he would wait outside to keep lookout whilst his friend went inside to see if he could get a bus started.

After almost an hour, his friend drove out of the station in a bus and stopped outside to let Jethro on board.

"What took you so long to get the bus, I been waiting 'ere almost an hour?" Jethro asked his friend.

"Well, it was like this", said Jethro's friend, "the Camborne bus was parked right at the back and I had to move all the others to get it out".

 

[conny]

Subject: Romance



The middle aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise?

 

[conny]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

WAIT FOR IT. . . . .











'Aye, 'tis, now hand me dat shovel.'

 

[JBR]

 

[DiscoDancer]

Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new 'Alphabet Bomb'. If one of those goes off, it could spell disaster.

 

[JBR]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Len's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Len's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm next Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Len's house at 2pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200, they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Len came home from golf at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife, 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband further enquired, 'and did he give you £200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £200.

Len, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

[gregers]

i gave my wife an 'orgasm last night'
ungrateful bitch,she spat it back at me.

 

[jockscott]

Trading Standards officers are warning about the dangers of illegal vodka, saying it could make people blind or even kill them,,,,,,,,,,,,, as opposed to the real normal healthy type on sale in Asda's Morrisons, Tesco and M&S.

 

[JBR]

God enjoys a good laugh.


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!

 

[Mikefromlondon]

ha ha some good jokes up there!

but this is no joke! seriously what do you call a very long bearded man flying a jumbo 747?

 

[pred]

ha ha some good jokes up there!

but this is no joke! seriously what do you call a very long bearded man flying a jumbo 747?

I give in, I'm not very good at guessing games, can you give me a clue, what do you call a very long bearded man flying a jumbo??