Sh*t jokes forum.

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep"...

"Now give me back my dog."
 
Sponsored Links
On a bitterly cold winters morning, a husband and his blonde wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later, again while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are once more having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she turned to her husband and said,

"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
 
This one, although short, will give you all something to think about:

If God had been a mathematician, she would have given us two extra fingers. ;) ;) ;)
 
Sponsored Links
Me neither. If it's something to do with counting in the decimal system, I manage quite well by using my thumbs as well!
 
A man was teasing his ex-wife's new husband.

''Hiya mate, how's the second hand fanny?"

The new husband says "It's great thanks... after the first 3 inches, it's brand new...!!

----------------------------------

A man is dining at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.

The waiter comes up and says "How did you find your steak sir"?

"Oh quite accidentally actually, I moved a piece of lettuce and there it was"
 
JBR said:
-- something to do with counting in the decimal system --

You were nearly there. In a duo-decimal (base 12) system, ten can be divided by two, three, four and six. That's so much more useful than just two and five. :cool: :cool: :cool: Conversely, if we'd evolved with a single, seven digit hand, ten would be a prime number. :( :( :(
 
Conversely, if we'd evolved with a single, seven digit hand, ten would be a prime number. :( :( :(

I'm not sure I follow your logic there. If you're suggesting that we'd be using a base of seven, then eight, nine and ten would not exist, (not as we know it, Jim).
We'd be counting 1 - 7, then 11 - 17, then 21 - 27, etc.

Edit, aahh, it's clicked: 10 in the decimal base would be 13 in the base of 7.:cool: :cool:
 
RogueHanger said:
We'd be counting 1 - 7, then 11 - 17, then 21 - 27, etc.

No. In base seven there is no symbol for seven - just as there's no symbol for ten in our decimal system and no symbol for two in binary. In base seven you would count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 20, ... 66, 100, 101, etc. :) :) :)
 
RogueHanger said:
We'd be counting 1 - 7, then 11 - 17, then 21 - 27, etc.

No. In base seven there is no symbol for seven - just as there's no symbol for ten in our decimal system and no symbol for two in binary. In base seven you would count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 20, ... 66, 100, 101, etc. :) :) :)

I bow to your superior mathematical intelligence......on this matter anyway.
 
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am."
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home,
she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,
and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds..."
 
Sponsored Links
Back
Top