Who here lives alone ...

[Orchid2021]

it's more about my boy than anything, i dont want him to miss out on anything,

if we split we would both struggle to afford a replacement house, even flats would be a struggle to buy just on each of our wages, meaning my son would be living somewhere in an environment that wouldn't be good for him.

neither of us could afford to pay the childcare costs, although he is now at school, it still costs a few hundred £ per month, and neither of us can afford to drop hours at work.

we have good and bad days, more bad than good, most the time she just goes off on one over stupid stuff and i really don't understand what the problem is, example, she say's "have you packed jack's water bottle".. i say "yep" she rants "yep, is that all you can say, thats all you seem to say these days, yep, erm and dunno, what is your problem".... i stand there just dumbfounded i'm being shouted at for saying the word yep to a question.

i ignored it for a bit, so i thought no i'll pick her up on it , i sent her a message while she was at work and said she was a bit out of order. After a few ranty messages back that just complained about me messaging her about it at work, she failed to see she was out of order. when she got home she moaned at me for messaging her and i told her outright its because had i waited till she got home she wouldn't listen and just turn the argument into something else entirely. she didnt really see my point and gave me a half arsed apology. lucky for me i'm quite thick skinned and know when to leave something and move on, something she is incapable of doing.

anyway enough of my public ranting about my wife, i've gone too far.

 

[Orchid2021]

it's more about my boy than anything, i dont want him to miss out on anything,

if we split we would both struggle to afford a replacement house, even flats would be a struggle to buy just on each of our wages, meaning my son would be living somewhere in an environment that wouldn't be good for him.

neither of us could afford to pay the childcare costs, although he is now at school, it still costs a few hundred £ per month, and neither of us can afford to drop hours at work.

we have good and bad days, more bad than good, most the time she just goes off on one over stupid stuff and i really don't understand what the problem is, example, she say's "have you packed jack's water bottle".. i say "yep" she rants "yep, is that all you can say, thats all you seem to say these days, yep, erm and dunno, what is your problem".... i stand there just dumbfounded i'm being shouted at for saying the word yep to a question.

i ignored it for a bit, so i thought no i'll pick her up on it , i sent her a message while she was at work and said she was a bit out of order. After a few ranty messages back that just complained about me messaging her about it at work, she failed to see she was out of order. when she got home she moaned at me for messaging her and i told her outright its because had i waited till she got home she wouldn't listen and just turn the argument into something else entirely. she didnt really see my point and gave me a half arsed apology. lucky for me i'm quite thick skinned and know when to leave something and move on, something she is incapable of doing.

anyway enough of my public ranting about my wife, i've gone too far.

It is always harder when a child is involved. Every decision you make you ask if this is in the best interest of the child. You seem to have a personality clash with your wife; you seem more passive and I feel you clam up and she shuts you down and seems to have the last word. You sent her a message at work which you shouldnt have; sorry I don’t mean to sound unkind but you were hiding behind a screen. Instead you should have waited until she returned and said it to her in person. You seem like a nice person and you deserve respect.

 

[motorbiking]

You need to avoid that if possible. Having a wife give up work to be a housewife, is not great from a divorce point of view. It gives her grounds to establish spousal maintenance / a larger than 50% share of the pot.

I wish I'd spotted the early signs of a marriage that was going down the toilet. I wish I'd picked her up on her behaviour rather than just taking the tongue lashings. When I pulled the plug she was totally surprised, went on about being her best friend etc. I felt really sorry for her, but in our life, it was her way or a fight and don't have the energy for that.

Kids make marriage hard as the intimacy between a couple tends to slide and then its hard to get back on track. So you end up being cohabiting mates who tolerate each other's foibles while you build your own independent lives. Clearly all her mates are stay at homes and frankly rather spend time drinking coffee and getting nails done, than earn their share of the pot.

 

[kingandy2nd]

it's more about my boy than anything, i dont want him to miss out on anything,

if we split we would both struggle to afford a replacement house, even flats would be a struggle to buy just on each of our wages, meaning my son would be living somewhere in an environment that wouldn't be good for him.

neither of us could afford to pay the childcare costs, although he is now at school, it still costs a few hundred £ per month, and neither of us can afford to drop hours at work.

we have good and bad days, more bad than good, most the time she just goes off on one over stupid stuff and i really don't understand what the problem is, example, she say's "have you packed jack's water bottle".. i say "yep" she rants "yep, is that all you can say, thats all you seem to say these days, yep, erm and dunno, what is your problem".... i stand there just dumbfounded i'm being shouted at for saying the word yep to a question.

i ignored it for a bit, so i thought no i'll pick her up on it , i sent her a message while she was at work and said she was a bit out of order. After a few ranty messages back that just complained about me messaging her about it at work, she failed to see she was out of order. when she got home she moaned at me for messaging her and i told her outright its because had i waited till she got home she wouldn't listen and just turn the argument into something else entirely. she didnt really see my point and gave me a half arsed apology. lucky for me i'm quite thick skinned and know when to leave something and move on, something she is incapable of doing.

anyway enough of my public ranting about my wife, i've gone too far.

Tell me to butt out if you want to mate, but it sounds like you may both benefit from some joint counselling. It's not for everyone, but it might assist you both in identify triggers, etc and help de-escalate such situations. I would always recommend trying to fix what you have, especially when kids are involved, rather than giving up/moving on without having tried to sort it first.

 

[diy_fun_uk]

That would soon drive me completely nuts. I used to go a little 'stir' crazy in my younger days, living alone in small flats, when I was only home for odd weekends - working away the rest of the time. I'm trying to keep myself busy at the moment, wondering round looking for things I no longer want/need so I can sell, scrap, give away, or dump them. I made over £1,500 in the past month moving things on.

A lot of it comes down to the kind of person we are, and there's no right or wrong obviously. For example I'm fine with my own company. So taking lockdowns and covid restrictions as an example, to an extent (from a coping emotionally perspective) these were a walk in the park for me. I'm still working from home full-time and it's not bothering me one bit. Whereas others have been going stir-crazy with it all and couldn't wait to get back to the proverbial office.

This links a bit to being in relationships i.e. the type of person we are. I remember when I was a teenager and one of my mates got his first girlfriend. x months later they broke up and he said to me 'I need to get another girlfriend.' On asking why, and putting the perhaps obvious stuff aside , he said now that he'd experienced being with someone he didn't like being alone. Whereas I've had girlfriends but still been fine when on my own.

It's a bit like people that end up marrying or moving in with someone largely due to the fact they don't function well on their own, so they need to be with someone. The risk there is the old adage you can be lonelier with someone than alone.

 

[Bodd]

but so is she, so you either fix the relationship and build it back or you take the hit now. It will only get more expensive later. The longer you stay married, the more expensive it gets.

Without appearing sexist or wanting to open my own bag of wasps to chew, the mistake I made was making mine too comfortable financially. She never felt the need to progress her earnings and even took a substantial pay cut to get a more "interesting" job. During our marriage, I set up numerous businesses for her which all were successful, but after a few years she lost interest. She never had any hunger for the money. Why would she when the "wallet" makes 10-15 times more than her? Easy life.

yes that is a point, i am motivated about earning more money and have made great strides into doing that these past 4-5 years, wheras prior to that i was happy just trundling along spending 10 years in a dead end job i was happy in. she has no interest in progressing, and says to me on a regular basis i need to earn more money so she can afford to stay at home and look after our boy... who is now at school for 6 hours a day

Listening to you I here myself... This is the most important time of out life, looking at our future and providing for my girls.

Mrs Bod however thinks she's semi retired.

 

[Harry Bloomfield]

This links a bit to being in relationships i.e. the type of person we are. I remember when I was a teenager and one of my mates got his first girlfriend. x months later they broke up and he said to me 'I need to get another girlfriend.' On asking why, and putting the perhaps obvious stuff aside , he said now that he'd experienced being with someone he didn't like being alone. Whereas I've had girlfriends but still been fine when on my own.

A couple of the lads mates, never bothered bothered with girlfriends. One it turned out was 'not that way inclined', the other seemed hetero, but just not bothered and it seems set to spend the rest of his life alone.

It's a bit like people that end up marrying or moving in with someone largely due to the fact they don't function well on their own, so they need to be with someone. The risk there is the old adage you can be lonelier with someone than alone.

As I said, I didn't much bother with girlfriends when I was younger - I had enough interest in my life with my early career, but once involved, I found it like a drug and needed more and it worried me not being in a relationship. I can be happy on my own, with just my own company, in fact I enjoy the solitude sometimes even now, when she is out at work in the afternoons. I also enjoy the longer periods of a few days, when she goes back home to visit her family. Before she came down, she claimed to have almost no contact with her family, so the move would make little difference to her.

 

[diy_fun_uk]

As I said, I didn't much bother with girlfriends when I was younger - I had enough interest in my life with my early career, but once involved, I found it like a drug and needed more and it worried me not being in a relationship. I can be happy on my own, with just my own company, in fact I enjoy the solitude sometimes even now, when she is out at work in the afternoons. I also enjoy the longer periods of a few days, when she goes back home to visit her family. Before she came down, she claimed to have almost no contact with her family, so the move would make little difference to her.

I think this is quite common, hence some people going from relationship to relationship without much alone time between. They don't like the thought of (or even dread) being alone. They're not wrong to think that way, we're all different etc etc. I think the risk though is some end up in relationships that aren't ideal just because they need to be with someone, in some cases anyone.

 

[Mottie]

I think the risk though is some end up in relationships that aren't ideal just because they need to be with someone, in some cases anyone.

That’s more common than you would think.

 

[Harry Bloomfield]

I think the risk though is some end up in relationships that aren't ideal just because they need to be with someone, in some cases anyone.

Trouble is, you only really get to know a person, once you actually live with them and they have fully settled in. Likewise, they do not really know you, until they have been with you a while. You cannot really go through an interview process, as you would interviewing someone for a job to get their background - you have to pick it up bit by bit, warts n all. Present partner I chatted with on line and on the phone for months, before she finally came down for a weeks holiday stay, then a second weeks holiday stay, before we agreed to get together and her move in.

I'm the rock steady type, always calm, never really get upset by anything, or panic. She is the direct opposite and bounces from one crisis to another. She only has two volume levels, a whisper where I have to keep asking her to repeat, then far too loud when she gets upset.

 

[diy_fun_uk]

Trouble is, you only really get to know a person, once you actually live with them and they have fully settled in. Likewise, they do not really know you, until they have been with you a while. You cannot really go through an interview process, as you would interviewing someone for a job to get their background - you have to pick it up bit by bit, warts n all. Present partner I chatted with on line and on the phone for months, before she finally came down for a weeks holiday stay, then a second weeks holiday stay, before we agreed to get together and her move in.

I'm the rock steady type, always calm, never really get upset by anything, or panic. She is the direct opposite and bounces from one crisis to another. She only has two volume levels, a whisper where I have to keep asking her to repeat, then far too loud when she gets upset.

For some reason this made me lol

Why not come to think of it?

'And tell me, what do you think you can bring to this relationship?'
'Where do you see this relationship in 5 years time?'

 

[Orchid2021]

A couple used to live opposite me. They divorced in their seventies. The man left the family home and the now ex wife proudly framed the Decree Absolute when it arrived. She found a new partner very quickly, first time in a long time she was happy; she loved dressing up and they would eat out regularly. In the next couple of years new partners came and went; her health deteriorated quickly and sadly she died whilst she was still with her last partner; all these gentlemen wined and dined her. After her divorce she lived for another 3 years but she truly lived .

 

[sxturbo]

I'm the rock steady type, always calm, never really get upset by anything, or panic. She is the direct opposite and bounces from one crisis to another. She only has two volume levels, a whisper where I have to keep asking her to repeat, then far too loud when she gets upset.

lol same here

 

[Orchid2021]

For some reason this made me lol

Why not come to think of it?

'And tell me, what do you think you can bring to this relationship?'
'Where do you see this relationship in 5 years time?'

That’s exactly what a girl said to my son once; it sounds so regimented and at the time when he told me we were both ‘Nah don’t go there’

 

[Ihavenojob]

They divorced in their seventies. The man left the family home and the now ex wife proudly framed the Decree Absolute when it arrived.

I just read about a couple in America who divorced. He remarried and had his cheque book designed with an image of him and his new wife on the cheques, and he writes his ex wife's alimony payments with them.