It is essential for a "Brexit Deal" that a new treaty is agreed between the UK and the EU. Such a treaty will include the terms of trade and movement of people, money, goods and services, and jurisdiction over disputes, the rules to be followed, and how those rules will be set. As you know.
The terms of any such treaty must be agreed by the UK Parliament and by the members of the EU, each of which has a veto. Possibly also the consent of the Scottish Parliament and the Assemblies of Wales and NI, although they do have the option to secede if not satisfied.
Therefore any lunatic scheme which does not have the agreement of the UK Parliament, and of the EU members especially the RoI, is a non-starter.
All your suggestions have been non-starters.
Sadly, our government has so far been incapable of agreeing the terms, even with itself, or with the UK Parliament, or with the citizens of the UK, so is incapable of making an agreement with the EU.
This is most unsatisfactory.
But perhaps not surprising.