can they get worse?

[planenut]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

" You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am, replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, " You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, " but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, " you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quanity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,somehow, it's my fault."

 

[kevplumb]

http://i.madblast.com/funflash/swf/ColorBlind2.swf
one for the sparks

 

[pipme]

http://i.madblast.com/funflash/swf/ColorBlind2.swf
one for the sparks

Only the one or two that can read then K

 

[kevplumb]

bit harsh old boy

 

[pipme]

Ageism - old son !!
A Corgi gas fitter dies in a car accident on his 40th Birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the fitter sheepishly looks at St. Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" Says St. Peter, amazed at the man's modesty, "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 360 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The fitter is awe-struck and can only look at St. Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at St. Peter and says "St. Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible," says St. Peter. "We've added up your time sheets!"
Oh yes, and even worse to come no doubt !!

 

[kevplumb]

ooor the homosexual bandit who went into town and shot up the sherriff

 

[TexMex]

What about the maniac that tried out every perversion he could think off. Sadism, Beatiality, and Necromancy. He finally gave it up because he found he was just flogging a dead horse.

 

[pipme]

This morning on the M5, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Range Rover doing 85 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
Generally, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my leccy shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my mobile fell away from my ear, falling into the coffee mug between my legs, it splashed, and burned Big Ed and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women 4wdrivers!

 

[planenut]

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the dish ran away with the fork....
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
Well it was that way inclined!

 

[securespark]

Pip

Another version...

This new mobile law doesn't seem to be working....I was overtaken by someone yakking on the dog and then they pulled in sharply.

I had to brake so hard my razor fell into me cornflakes.......

 

[pipme]

Be a b****r if you were on the big white bone to 'im up there whilst articulating yer way ungoverned down the tramlined M-'oi'll give it foive'.

 

[kevplumb]

guy jumps out of a plane
pulls the cord nothing happens b*gger he thinks
looks down at the earth aptoaching at a rate of knots and notices a guy in a boiler suit coming up to meet him
do you know anything about parachutes he asks the guy ?
no comes the reply
do you know anything about gas boilers

 

[planenut]

Did you hear about the dyslexic who took up playing the harp as he thought every lesson was going to be big booze up? Oh come on !

 

[kevplumb]

so anyway rodney who is 50 never had a woman in his life gets 2 weeks holiday pay and decides tonight is the night
goes down to the local knocking shop and enters
picks the girl out and takes her upstairs
so there whipping there kit off and he says to the girl ive never done this before
girl thinks "why do i always get them"
ok she says we will go steady and start with a 69
whats a 69 ?
easy i go down on you while you go down on me
ok he says i,ll give it a go
so all starts well then she lets rip with last nights vindaloo
head out sharpish much waving of hand
dives (pun intended) back in
she lets another one go
he gets up and starts dressing
"whats wrong " the girl asks
s*d you he says couldnt stand another 67 of them

 

[TexMex]

Woman goes into a police station and shouts, "Help, I've been graped". Officer behind the counter says, "Don't you mean Raped". "No", she says, "There were a bunch of them".