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they buried the local hokey kokey champ today
not without incident apparently they put the left leg in
the right came out /in /out
not without incident apparently they put the left leg in
the right came out /in /out
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you ##$*%%!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you ##$*%%!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
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A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of
swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue !
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other
way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you'll never believe who I'm sh*gg*ng'!!
swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue !
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other
way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you'll never believe who I'm sh*gg*ng'!!
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
An old frontiersman, let's call him "Bob", had been going off into the frozen wastes every year for as long as he could remember, spending months away, living in the wild, catching beasties for food, and using their skins to sell, once he returns to civilization.
Whilst not away hunting, he lived in a ramshackle old hovel, on the edge of town, looking forward to that annual trek away from mankind, to the freedom he loved.
The local reporter got wind of this ( his life-style, not his smell), and thought it would make a great story, even a book? so he made his approaches and persuaded the old man to take him with him on his next trip.
So, when the day arrived, they met up. Bob the wizened old man, with his skin-coats and beard, and the fresh-faced young, ill-prepared reporter, ready for what seemed, a long, long trip, into the unknown for the lad, and back to his one love, for Bob.
When they had travelled some way, they came to a trading post, which, as Bob explained was the last of civilization that they would see until their return, and where the storeman was able to supply them with all their needs for the months ahead; food, guns and ammunition. As they were about to leave the store, the storeman called to Bob, don't forget your board, "nearly did!" exclaims Bob as he reaches behind the shop door to pick up his package, flat, about 5' 6" tall, covered in sacking.
As they strode away the young man ventured to ask Bob, what the board was about? and Bob explained that, with being away for months on end, one did lack the sexual side of contact, and he'd had this board made, in the shape of a woman, with a hole in the appropriate place, should he ever need to "relieve" himself, "she'd" been with him on all his trips. The young man thought it most unlikely he would ever want "it " that much, and they plodded on.
Two weeks later, Bob stumbles in through the door of the trading post, the storekeeper amazed to see him back so soon asks what on earth could have caused him to return like this. Amongst his many questions he asks where the young reporter was and Bob announces "I shot him.....
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.
.Caught him in bed with my board!"
Whilst not away hunting, he lived in a ramshackle old hovel, on the edge of town, looking forward to that annual trek away from mankind, to the freedom he loved.
The local reporter got wind of this ( his life-style, not his smell), and thought it would make a great story, even a book? so he made his approaches and persuaded the old man to take him with him on his next trip.
So, when the day arrived, they met up. Bob the wizened old man, with his skin-coats and beard, and the fresh-faced young, ill-prepared reporter, ready for what seemed, a long, long trip, into the unknown for the lad, and back to his one love, for Bob.
When they had travelled some way, they came to a trading post, which, as Bob explained was the last of civilization that they would see until their return, and where the storeman was able to supply them with all their needs for the months ahead; food, guns and ammunition. As they were about to leave the store, the storeman called to Bob, don't forget your board, "nearly did!" exclaims Bob as he reaches behind the shop door to pick up his package, flat, about 5' 6" tall, covered in sacking.
As they strode away the young man ventured to ask Bob, what the board was about? and Bob explained that, with being away for months on end, one did lack the sexual side of contact, and he'd had this board made, in the shape of a woman, with a hole in the appropriate place, should he ever need to "relieve" himself, "she'd" been with him on all his trips. The young man thought it most unlikely he would ever want "it " that much, and they plodded on.
Two weeks later, Bob stumbles in through the door of the trading post, the storekeeper amazed to see him back so soon asks what on earth could have caused him to return like this. Amongst his many questions he asks where the young reporter was and Bob announces "I shot him.....
.
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.Caught him in bed with my board!"
Not sure this is the right place for this, but I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give on this matter of deep concern to me.
For sometime now I've suspected that the missus may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls, it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house, although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.
The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.
But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.
It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
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Do you think I should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
For sometime now I've suspected that the missus may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. The phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls, it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always used keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house, although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner.
The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth.
But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return.
It was whilst I crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Do you think I should take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
swelec said:
Not sure about that but can you tell your Mrs. that her phone needs charging, I can't get through at the moment !
Anyway........a guy goes on walkabout in Aussie, trekking off into the desert, but just so happens, he gets lost. He wanders aimlessly for days, slowly dehydrating, dying, dying of thirst.....then he spies in the distance a ramshackle collection of run down buildings (no not Slough) and drags himself toward them. As he crawls along the parched dusty approach, he glances up at the town sign and sees it "Mercy !", that's the name, and that he agreed with. He drags himself up the rickety wooden steps of the first abode, and bangs on the door.....no answer. He looks across the road and decides, he can make it, and falls off the verandah, down the steps and crawls across the track to the other shed like hovel..... same thing...no answer. He is at deaths door! With his last fading strength he pulls himself along to the next place, and, dragging himself to the door, bangs it with his head, he cannot raise himself any longer. This time the door is answered, a little old lady opens it. She takes pity on the stranger on her step, he is near to death, dying of thirst as he struggles to plead "water, I must have water?" She says to him in her Aussie drawl, "sorry dear, we don't have water here!" He pleads, "you must have something, what do you drink?" She "well we have a brew that we make from.....Koala bears, but don't worry, we all drink it and we call it "T". He says, "anything, anything just give me drink". She gives him a cup and helps him to raise it to his lips and as he looks into the cup, he sees lumps and bits of fur floating therein. He looks suddenly at the old dear and says "Oh this looks horrible, don't you put it through a seive or something?" and she says " oh don't you know dear.............
the Koala T of Mercy is not strained?"
Ha Ha! get it?
What?
Have you never read Shakespeare?
The Quality of Mercy is not Strained!
Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having been recently discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge," she says, and sends Johnny out to play.
A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge. "Oh, really," his mum asks. "Where is it?"
Johnny answers "The woman next door is washing daddy's face with it."
A woman who's pregnant with triplets is walking down the street, when out of the bank runs a robber. In the ensuing gunfight, he shoots the woman three times in the stomach. At the hospital the woman is told that her babies are unhurt, and a month later she gives birth to two girls and a boy. All goes swimmingly for 16 years until one day the mother finds one daughter crying. "What's wrong?" she asks. "Well, I was doing a wee," she cries, "and a bullet came out!"
"Oh," says the woman, and tells her daughter of that fateful day 16 years ago. A month passes and the other daughter comes crying with the same problem. "Not to worry", says the mum, "I'll explain it to you." Another month passes and the boy comes in, close to tears. His mother takes him aside and asks him, "Were you doint a wee and a bullet came out? If you did, It's okay." "Nah," replies the lad. "I was having a J Arfur and I shot the dog."
A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge. "Oh, really," his mum asks. "Where is it?"
Johnny answers "The woman next door is washing daddy's face with it."
A woman who's pregnant with triplets is walking down the street, when out of the bank runs a robber. In the ensuing gunfight, he shoots the woman three times in the stomach. At the hospital the woman is told that her babies are unhurt, and a month later she gives birth to two girls and a boy. All goes swimmingly for 16 years until one day the mother finds one daughter crying. "What's wrong?" she asks. "Well, I was doing a wee," she cries, "and a bullet came out!"
"Oh," says the woman, and tells her daughter of that fateful day 16 years ago. A month passes and the other daughter comes crying with the same problem. "Not to worry", says the mum, "I'll explain it to you." Another month passes and the boy comes in, close to tears. His mother takes him aside and asks him, "Were you doint a wee and a bullet came out? If you did, It's okay." "Nah," replies the lad. "I was having a J Arfur and I shot the dog."
thats got to be one of the best pip
A letter.
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I
finish with you. And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and b*gg*r off 2 get your flu shot !
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I
finish with you. And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and b*gg*r off 2 get your flu shot !
Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you make of this mad cow disease?"
The other one says, "Doesn't affect me mate."
"Oh, yeah? Why's that?"
"I'm a helicopter."
A nun's standing at a bus stop when a double-decker pulls up. As she gets on, the nun notices she's the only passenger on the bus, so turns to the driver and asks, "Could you do me a special favour, Mr Driver?"
"If I can," he replies.
"Well the thing is, I have a serious heart problem and I want to have s ex for the first time before I die."
"Erm, okay," says the driver.
"There are two conditions, though," continues the nun. "Firstly, we can't do it if you're married, because I don't want to commit adultery. Secondly, it has to be an al s ex, because I have to die a virgin."
The driver nods, so they go upstairs and get down to it. When it's over, though, the driver's racked with guilt. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I've a terrible confession - I'm married with a kid."
"Don't fret, Mr Driver," replies the nun, sympathetically. "I have a confession to make, too. My name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy-dress party."
A brave knight has to go and fight in the crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home. As he can't trust her, he fits her with a chastity belt made from razor blades. On his victorious return, he lines up his male staff, making them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a line of shredded todgers, except one. He goes up to that man and says, "I trusted you and unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land."
To which he replies, "Ugg ou gery muk."
"What do you make of this mad cow disease?"
The other one says, "Doesn't affect me mate."
"Oh, yeah? Why's that?"
"I'm a helicopter."
A nun's standing at a bus stop when a double-decker pulls up. As she gets on, the nun notices she's the only passenger on the bus, so turns to the driver and asks, "Could you do me a special favour, Mr Driver?"
"If I can," he replies.
"Well the thing is, I have a serious heart problem and I want to have s ex for the first time before I die."
"Erm, okay," says the driver.
"There are two conditions, though," continues the nun. "Firstly, we can't do it if you're married, because I don't want to commit adultery. Secondly, it has to be an al s ex, because I have to die a virgin."
The driver nods, so they go upstairs and get down to it. When it's over, though, the driver's racked with guilt. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I've a terrible confession - I'm married with a kid."
"Don't fret, Mr Driver," replies the nun, sympathetically. "I have a confession to make, too. My name's Kevin
and I'm on my way to a fancy-dress party." A brave knight has to go and fight in the crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home. As he can't trust her, he fits her with a chastity belt made from razor blades. On his victorious return, he lines up his male staff, making them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a line of shredded todgers, except one. He goes up to that man and says, "I trusted you and unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land."
To which he replies, "Ugg ou gery muk."
or in a similar vein
knight going to the crusades gives the key to the belt to his oldest and most trusted serf
just as he is riding over the drawbridge he hears "MY LORD MY LORD"
so he stops and says to the serf what is it my old and trusted serf
my lord says the serf
youve given me the wrong key
or the woman who swollowed a razor blade
circumsized her husband
castrated her lover
took two fingers off a passing aquantance
and gave the vicar a hair lip
and still had 3 shaves left
knight going to the crusades gives the key to the belt to his oldest and most trusted serf
just as he is riding over the drawbridge he hears "MY LORD MY LORD"
so he stops and says to the serf what is it my old and trusted serf
my lord says the serf
youve given me the wrong key
or the woman who swollowed a razor blade
circumsized her husband
castrated her lover
took two fingers off a passing aquantance
and gave the vicar a hair lip
and still had 3 shaves left
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