can they get worse?

[AdamW]

A few more bright emitter unode valve jokes:

How many xxxx does it take to change a light bulb?

xxxx =

Theoretical quantum physicsists: One, but they can only do it if it's a perfectly spherical bulb.

Philosophers: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to hold a seminar on how Nietzche would have done it.

Rowers: Eight, in the semi-darkness, backwards. With a little bloke at the bottom of the stepladder shouting at them

Chemists: One, but if the change is subject to equilibrium, they'll have to do it under pressure.

Americans: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to tell everyone listening that the US of A make the best goddamn lightulbs in the whole world.

OR

Americans: One. He just holds onto the bulb and waits for the world to revolve arround him.

Surrealists: Fish

Irishmen: 10, 1 to hold the lightbulb, the other nine to drink until the room spins.

I searched and couldn't find ANY "how many British does it take to change a lightbulb": obviously our world-famous sense of humour does not apply to our bulb-changing methods.

 

[WoodYouLike]

how many......

And 1 to say: see item .......

 

[planenut]

Ask most Englishmen and they would just close their eyes..............then they don't need it.

 

[hotncold]

How do you know when your wife has died?

Sex is still the same, but the dishes start piling up.

 

[jasy]

Two monkeys in a bath. One monkey goes 'ooh ooh ooh ooh'. The other monkey replies,'put some blo*dy cold water in then!'

 

[breezer]

if whoopi goldberg married peter cushing, would that make he whoopi cusion(g)

 

[ninebob]

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

 

[chainsaw_masochist]

President George Bush is visiting....

Excellent!

 

[2scoops0406]

if whoopi goldberg married peter cushing, would that make he whoopi cusion(g)

If Isla St Clair had married Barry White, would she have become Isla White? If she'd then divorced Barry White and married Brian Ferry, would she have become Isla White Ferry?

 

[andy]

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

i have a slightly different version about blair gettin hit by a 'friendly fire' missile. it wouldnt be a great loss and probably wouldnt be an accident either

 

[jbonding]

how many gay men does it take to change a light bulb?

>
>
>
>
>









"never mind the light bulb have you seen the state of the shade"

 

[breezer]

100 ilegal imigrants in a room, the light goes, how many to change the light bulb?

lets see, there's one, hold on where have all the others gone?

 

[kendor]

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said
"It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its £1 double
cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day ..........

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them

 

[Zampa]

Dyslexic rock star found dead in a pool of his own Vimto

 

[jbonding]

hear about the dyslexic pimp who opened a warehouse.