can they get worse?

[VeRetired]

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road and pushed it up to 80mph and was enjoying the speed and the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is fantastic" he thought and accelerated to a greater speed. After a few miles he looked in the rear-view mirror and saw the blue flashing light of a speed cop coming up behind him. "I can easily lose him with this motor, no problem" so he floored the pedal and flew down the road at 120mph.
After a mile or two he thought "what the hell am I doing this kind of thing for. I'm too old for this". So he pulled over to the side and waited for the traffic cop to catch up. The policeman eventually pulled in behind the Porsche, got out, slammed the door and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason that I haven't heard before, why I shouldn't charge you with dangerous driving. I'll let you go.
The man looked up at the policeman and said "last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you was bringing her back"

Away you go and drive carefully, Sir

 

[kendor]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated,"
You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

 

[planenut]

If a Bishop lost his hat, would it really Mitre?

 

[pipme]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare

 

[planenut]

A guy walks into the chemist and with a strong accent asks for some deodorant.
The assistant in her posh voice asks "is that ball or aerosol?"
He replied "neither, it's for under me arms!"

 

[kendor]

Old boy goes into the confessional priest slides the partition across and the old boy says "father im 83 years old married three times and have got 15 grandchildren"
" Go on my son " says the priest
"well father it's like this, i was driving along the other day and noticed two gorgeous young women in their twenties thumbing for a lift, so i stopped and picked them up, and well , I made love to both of them"
The priest asks " are you Catholic?"
"no?" replies the old boy
"then why are you telling me this?" asks the priest
" I'm telling everyone! " replies the old boy.

 

[felix]

I hope I'm not repeating anybody else's joke because I haven't got time to wade through all the pages ---

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were out on a long hike. They were cold, wet and tired when they spotted an old shed in the distance. It looked just about big enough for three.

All three headed for the shed but, as they did so, two hikers appeared from another direction and went in. "Oh dear" said the mathematician. "Rats" said the physicist. "B****x" said the engineer.

As they bemoaned their misfortune three hikers came out of the shed. "That's odd" said the mathematician. "No it isn't" said the physicist. "This is a classic example of Schrodinger's thought experiment. The number of hikers in that shed is completely random and will only become fixed when we open the door." "B****x to Schrodinger" sad the engineer. "I don't care how many b****y random hikers are in that b****y shed. There's room for three more. Let's go."

But as they hurried towards the shed another hiker went in. "Rats" said the physicist. "B****x" said the engineer. "No problem" said the mathematician. "It's empty now."

 

[ninebob]

I don't get that - am I missing something?

 

[breezer]

I don't get that - am I missing something?

to be honest neither do i

 

[AdamW]

Because two hikers went in, total no. hikers = 2
three come out, total no. hikers = -1
one goes in, total no. hikers = 0

By the way, I'm a physicist

 

[felix]

And I'm a physicist and an engineer - but I was a mathematician first! If you want to know how to spot a true mathematician, here's a simple test.

You put a pan of water on the floor beside a gas stove and ask your test subject to boil it. Naturally they will pick up the pan and put it on the stove. So far so good.

Now you set them a second problem. You put the pan on a table and ask them to boil it. At this point most people will pick up the pan and put it on the stove but a mathematician will put the pan on the floor. Why? Because this reduces the problem to one that has already been solved!

 

[kendor]

A shirker would kick the pan over so they wouldn't ave to boil the water.

 

[planenut]

I think i'd put the kettle on and have a cup of tea!

 

[andy]

Now you set them a second problem. You put the pan on a table and ask them to boil it. At this point most people will pick up the pan and put it on the stove but a mathematician will put the pan on the floor. Why? Because this reduces the problem to one that has already been solved!

and we all know that the mathematician cannot solve problems, so makes it to a problem solved by someone else

 

[kendor]

When has a mathmatician ever done a hard days work? That's an engineers job!