can they get worse?

[mildmanneredjanitor]

Pope John Paul about to leave the Vatican City on an engagement summons his chauffeur. On arriving the Pope asks the chauffeur if he can drive as he never driven before and really fancies having a go. After pleading the chauffeur reluctantly agrees to let the Pope drive on the condition he takes it really easy.

They set off and on reaching the wide open freeways, the Pope floors the accelerator and they are soon hurtling down the freeway in the Popemobile at 120 mph.

A motorcycle Policeman, spots the car and soon gives chase. On reaching the car and pulling up alongside, he radios back to base for advice.

"Sarge, I pulled up alongside a car doing 120 on the freeway but it must be someone important"

"Nevermind constable, the laws the law, pull them over and give them a ticket"

"But sarge, this guy is really important!"

"What, like the Mayor or something?"

"No, more important than that"

"OK, is it the President?"

"Well no, but put it this way, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"

 

[securespark]

Farmer want to experiment to see how much a pig can hold in the way of food before exploding.

So he trains a monkey to pull a cork out of a pigs ringp*ece on hearing a whistle.

Meanwhile, he inserts the cork and proceeds to force feed the pig.

Come the day when the pig has expanded to its limit, the guy positions the pig at the end of his largest field with the monkey ready to pull the cork out.

He himself stations 10 yards from the pig with bins at the ready. His mate stands 30 yards away, and a third guy stands 50 yards away.

The farmer blows his whistle.

The guy 50 yards away shakes a dollop of pigp*o off his shoe and walks down to the second guy 300 yards from the pig. He helps dig him out (he's up to his waist), then they run to the farmer, and find him completely buried in excrement. They frantically dig him out to find him peeing himself with laughter.

When they had calmed him down, they asked why he was laughing so much.






























"You should have seen the look on the monkey's face when he pulled the cork out!", was his reply.

 

[2scoops0406]

What did the electrians wife say to her husband when he got in at 11 pm?


Wire you insulate

 

[planenut]

"I saw a flat dog in my garden the other day!"
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
"How did you know it was flat?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."There was another one on top pumping it up!"

 

[kevplumb]

young lad working for the met office gets posted to the artic
first day finding his way round
suddenly he needs to go
asks a guy wheres the loo
just go outside comes the reply but be quick or it will freeze to you
lad goes outside drops his pants
afterwards he hes a look
an top of said frozen deposit is a little green hairy ball
so he picks it up and takes it inside
whats this he asks
guy takes it off him and sticks a pin in it











ffffffffffffffaaarrrrrrrrrrttttttt

 

[securespark]

Now it's my turn to be a bozy dugger, but I didn't get that...

 

[planenut]

Don't worry, it's just a load of hot air! or should we just say it was a bum joke.

 

[planenut]

Eskimos have got it bad then ! I bet they daren't eat too many curries.

 

[kevplumb]

just as well the artic would be full of little green hairy balls

 

[pipme]

Little Johnny races in from the garden .."Mum,Mum" He hollers.
"What ever is it Johnny ?" She asks.
"I think aunty Jayne almost died, just now "
"Whatever gave you that idea ?"
" I heard her screaming 'my god, I'm coming I'm coming' ..... But it's ok, when I found her, Daddy was already giving her the kiss of life......."

 

[kevplumb]

a large hole appeared in our street today














the police are looking into it

 

[securespark]

Little Johnny races in from the garden .."Mum,Mum" He hollers.
"What ever is it Johnny ?" She asks.
"I think aunty Jayne almost died, just now "
"Whatever gave you that idea ?"
" I heard her screaming 'my god, I'm coming I'm coming' ..... But it's ok, when I found her, Daddy was already giving her the kiss of life......."

Variation:

little Johnny finds a dead bird so he asks his dad why the bird has his legs in the air. Dad says it's so God can pick the little creature up and carry it off to heaven.

Later that week, Johnny goes to his dad and asks if mummy is going to die.

Christ, no! Says the dad, Why?

Cos I saw Mummy on the bed, and she had her legs in the air shouting Oh God I'm coming, and the milkman was holding her down!!!!

 

[pipme]

SS - gave the real version
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Primary school biology lesson.

Teacher explains about birds and bees, asks children to keep eyes open to and from school for creature activities.
Following week : "Did you all observe the birds and bees ?" Asks teach.
Little mary pipes up, "I saw two birds scuffling around on the lawn .. is that s ex miss ?"
"Quite probably" Replies teacher, thinking she should change the subject ... doh ! too late !
Master Johnny stands up, " Mi-i-iss, I watched Cheyenne last night on the telly .... there were two Indians on his back .... was that s ex miss ?"
Teacher, "Of course not, please don't be silly"
Johnny turns to mates, "There you are, I told you it would take more than two Sioux to fc uk Cheyenne Body"
P

 

[kevplumb]

three prisoners
a frenchman
a scotsman
a german

commendant decides to give them the lash cos they wont talk

german walks up first and it duly tied to the pole
do you want anything on your back ? asks the commendant
nein replys the german
gets his twenty lashes smiles and walks away

next up the frenchman is duly tied to the pole
do you want anything on your back ? asks the commendant
olive oil comes the reply so they rub his back with olive oil
gets his twenty lashes poor bloke is wrecked cant even waly and sobbing his heart out


next the scotsman is tied to the pole
do you want anything on your back ? asks the commendant













aye says the scotsman











THE GERMAN

 

[pipme]

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the as s hole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate ?