can they get worse?

[kevplumb]

why dont sharks attack lawyers and estate agents ?













proffesional courtesey

 

[pipme]

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the bot and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's green and gets you pi ssed?
A: A Giro

Q: What do you call a lesbefriend with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

P

 

[kevplumb]

did you hear about the pilgrim that went to mount olive ?












popeye smacked him

 

[kevplumb]

there once was a fairy called nuff
fairynuff
had a brother called had
had enuff
had a cousin called good
good enuff
lived quite close
near enuff
thats what this is near enough

 

[masona]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my test*cles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my test*cles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his p*nis in one hand and his testi*les in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,"That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my...test...results...back?

 

[masona]

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:


370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

 

[masona]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

 

[planenut]

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?















Three, the left ear, the right ear and ............














The Final Frontier.

 

[kevplumb]

> A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
> having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
> complaint.
> "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration,"is there anything you can do
for
> me?"
> The doctor replies, "Medically, there is nothing I can do... But, I do
know
> this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions
> to the witch.
> The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
> "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done
to
> help me? You are my only hope."
> The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
> think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into
the
> forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting
on
> a log. This frog has magic. You say to the frog, 'Will you marry me?' When
> the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The
man's
> face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog,
> "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
> The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he
> screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20
inches,
> so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry
me?"
> the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed
> back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it
> was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He
> looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a
moment.
> Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
> Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry
> me?"
> The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do
I
> have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"...............
>
>
>

 

[kendor]

Great one Kev

 

[breezer]

Great one Kev

not any more it isnt

 

[planenut]

There must be a moral; something like "if life is a drag, don't wish it away, cos' you won't be able to get up in the morning ever again."

Much like the 90 year old man nicked for flashing....
the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

 

[kevplumb]

is that along the lines of
two old ladies walking through the local cemetry
encountered a flasher





one had a stroke








the other wasnt quick enough

 

[breezer]

knocking noise from copper pipes.

is this cause by the apprentice inside the pipe or the plumbers mait?

 

[pipme]

A law professor, a Circuit Judge and a District Judge go
hunting pheasants. As they walk through the woods, a bird
comes flying through the air and the Circuit Judge raises his
shotgun. As he takes aim, he lectures his colleagues:

"There is a four-part test to determine whether a bird is a
pheasant.. First, the bird must have a long neck. Second,
the neck must have a ring-like pattern. Third, the bird's body
must be large with brilliant colors. Fourth, it must have a
long, feathered tail."
By the time the Circuit Judge finishes applying the test, the
bird is way out of range.

A while later, another bird comes along and the law professor
takes aim. "This bird meets the test," he says, "but it is
flying over a stream. Accordingly, we must consider the
policy implications of using lead shot which may fall into the
water, be consumed by fish and other species, and have an
adverse impact on the ecosystem." By the time the
professor gets done weighing the policy factors, the bird is in
the next county.

After a while another bird flies out over the stream. The
District Judge aims at the bird, fires both barrels and kills it.
"Damn," he says, "I sure hope that was a pheasant."

Familiar ? ... There are a few like that in these hallowed pages !!!