Tools of the trade:
2 by 4 stretcher
10ft of fallopian tube
10 metres of plumbers air-line
10m of flightline
A bee-line
AC battery
Adjustable needle-nose pliers
Ants' milk
Articulated Gyrogorphotor (£10,000 value and lost/stolen!) (assumed to be a fools errand)
A runaround (sent all over the place; "runaround" is also slang for a beat-up but reliable car)
Bar stretchers
Basin Trials (get Junior sailor watching the basins in the bathrooms for any leaks prior to sailing)
Battery for the dynamo flashlight
Bearing grease for the Radio Compass/Tacan/VOR etc.
Big weight/wait (same effect as a long wait)
Binnacle Alignment Tool (naval)
Bird food for the cuckoo in the cuckoo clock
Bit bucket for the bits lost when the computer system crashes
Blinker fluid/indicator fluid (car mechanics)
Box of grid squares
Box of sparks for spark plugs
Box of tappet clearances
Box of topo (civil engineering, "Topo" is a Japanese snack-food)
BT Punch (naval - popular on ships with 1200 lb. plants, and huge knuckle-dragging BTs; don't specify whether to ask for the left or right punch; a smart HT will suggest taking both "just to be sure")
Bubbles for spirit levels
Bucket of steam
Bucket of compressed air
Can of blue steam
Can of squelch (when target returns empty-handed, "remember" it now comes in spray cans not tin cans)
Canopy lights (air force)
Cans of Water Slugs (naval)
Check/Czech paint
Chem-Light batteries (air force)
Compass Oil
Compass wrench
Copper magnet
Coriolus effect technician (IT) - to check direction the token on token ring network is travelling
Coriolus effect watch, in order to determine when you have crossed the equator. Coriolus effect is which way water circles the plughole! (naval)
Coupon rake (banking)
Cranking down the mast (naval)
Crocodile Milk
Curve stretcher (civil engineering)
Cyrillic Pencil
Data packets
Deicer for the level
DF Bearing Grease (naval)
Dry water
Elbow grease
e.m.h.o. log (naval: early morning hard on)
Find Charley Noble (galley smoke stack) (USN 1950s)
Find the Golden Rivet (naval - the golden rivet was supposedly the last rivet installed and located in the shaft alley)
Find the spilt token (computing - when a token ring network cable is unplugged, can end up with everyone on hands and knees searching!)
Fire warmer
Flux capacitor (only to be found in a sci-fi movie)
Frequency grease (if the radar sounds too squeaky), if the new guy brings anything back it's low frequency grease and you needed high frequency grease
Gig Line (naval)
Glass axe
Glass hammer
Glass magnet
Gnat's Milk
Gnat Tit Ointment
Grape grater
Green oil for the starboard lamp (naval)
Hard punch
Holes for hole punches
Horizontal tentpegs
Hose Stretchers
Howitzer report (ordnance)
ID-ten-T form (ID-10T - popular in armed forces)
Jet Blast Compound (aviation)
Key to the vapour lock
Keys to the drop zone (air force)
K9P Cutting Fluid
Learning curve (draughtsman)
Left-handed box-end wrench
Left-handed gavel (auctioneer's mallet)
Left-handed monkey wrench
Left-handed paint roller
Left-handed punch/right-handed punch (these errands are painful)
Left handed screwdriver
Left-handed smokeshifter
Left-handed tablespoon
Liquid magnet
Long drop
Long stand ("long stands" exist in the clothing industry)
Long weight (storesman goes away for a while to "look" on his return he says "was that long enough?")
Mercury rods/discs (mercury is liquid at room temperature)
Metric adjustable wrenches (in metric countries: Imperial adjustable wrenches)
MIL-TFD-1111 (mythical military/engineering standard: "Make It Like - The F**king Drawing" - For Once)
Money changing for Gibraltar - "If you're going ashore you better go and cash a cheque for your Giblets" (naval)
New cursor for the computer (IT)
New tokens for the Token Ring network (computing)
Non-conductive cardboard
Ooievaarskuitenvet (The Netherlands - storks' calves' fat)
Pachyderm trunking
Paper-stretcher
Peedo-file (on a written chit - pronounced "paedophile")
Pink paraffin for the night lights (red bulbs!, naval)
Podger, for aligning holes (in some circles, this exists)
Pot dividers (kitchen staff)
Polka-dot paint
Post-hole key (on a race track)
PRC-E7 ("prick E7") (PRC "prick" is military radio, but E7 is a grade of sergeant; PRC-E7 = "prick sergeant" not a type of radio)
Prop Wash (aviation)
Rearrange the 6-ply (6 colored sheets with 5 carbons to put in reverse order)
Recharge the escape arrows with a torch (naval)
Recharger for the sound-powered phone batteries
Relative Bearing Grease for the compass
Requisition the Supply Officer for 1000 Gas Tight Envelopes (armed forces)
Ring centres (essentially these are paper punchouts/chads)
Roll of film for the digital Camera
Rubber mallet (rubber-headed panel-beating mallets exist)
Sauerkraut seed
Sending a sailor to "pilot" the missile (naval)
Sending new techs at a CommSta hunting for a spool of Red Order Wire to do some repairs (naval)
Sending someone to Engineering Control to report, "Sir, High level alarm in the cooling system, request permission to blow the MPA" (naval)
Sending someone to the Chiefs' mess to turn off their lights when "darken ship" is piped (naval)
Sending someone to the galley to get some oil boiled when the Petty Officer requests boiled oil. Linseed oil is "double boiled" so it can be sent back with the fool saying "you've only boiled this once" (naval)
Shelf expander (expanding shelves really do exist)
Shore line stretcher
Siren Winders (fire/ambulance service)
Skyhooks (items by this name have since been invented for aviation use)
Snake oil
Snipe Hunt (scouts/military, a night-time communal fools' errand)
Socket for round nuts
Some electricity (usually the fool is sent away form stores with a battery)
Some snew (fool usually asks "What's snew?" [what's new?])
Sonar grease (for when it sounds a bit "squeaky")
Sound powered phone batteries (naval)
Spare smoke canister for when the smoke (that runs the computer/other electrical kit) escapes
Sparks for the fire
Sparks for the grinder
Spark samples from the angle grinder
Squilgee Sharpener (naval)
Stand mail buoy watch (naval)
Stand Monkey Watch while sailing past Gibraltar (included a broomstick and a hard hat)
Striped Paint
Tartan paint
Tartan yarn (wool)
Tuning pipe for a fog horn
The lost document file
Virtual ram for the computer network server
Water Hammer (this is the banging sound made in water pipes)
Waveguide stretcher (radar operators)
White ink for the inkjet printer
Winter grade air for winter tyres
Wiremesh watering can
Yard of chow line (military)
Yard of shoreline
Best to print this list off and go into your local B&Q
Andy
