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It takes the grand amount of 3 minutes to apply and 24 hours to get the definitive settled status.
I've gone through the process myself.
3 minutes flat to apply.
Confirmation of settled status in less than 24 hours.
It's quite possible that the process is simple and quick, IF you meet, and can supply proof of all the required details on initial application, which you might have done and I did.It's all in the gov.uk website.
The short version is:
Pre-settle status: eu nationals who have been living permanently in uk less than 5 years and intend to stay. They'll receive settled status after completion of the 5 years, providing they behave.
Settled status (mine): 3 minutes application via the app. They check nin and nhs records and confirm you've been here longer than 5 years. Settled status confirmation in less than 24 hours, even though you claim this is wrong.
Citizenship: must apply for naturalisation to become a British citizen and be able to apply for a British passport. The process is longer and entails language and cultural exams.
This is on top of my head and a very short summary.
If you want the Ts crossed and the Is dotted, go to the gov.uk website and document yourself.
Evidently, from your explanation, it is absolutely possible for an EU citizen to be in UK for 5 years, never having worked, i.e. dependent on someone else, and never having visited a doctor or hospital in UK. I know of many UK citizens in France who fall into such a category.
BUT, in your first post, you provided a possible experience of someone who could meet all the required proof easily. You dismissed the experience of possibly the majority of the EU migrants who were unable to provide such proof. If you had recognised the potential problems experienced by others your post would have been more acceptable, but you didn't. You provided an example of the quickest and easiest application and passed it off as the usual process.
That permit/settled status is just an email confirmation. The actual documents take considerably longer.
Except, I believe there are no documents in the case of settled status in UK, it is merely an inclusion on a database, which is untested and untried.
And EU citizens in UK have to rely on whoever is questioning their status to have access to the database.