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This is funny:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uj56IPJOqWE[/QUOTE]
No its not
Sh*t jokes forum.
- Thread starter joe-90
- Start date
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This is funny:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uj56IPJOqWE[/QUOTE]
No its not
Oh yes it is.
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Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: About £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So one 6 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in one year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your F***ing Ferrari then?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: About £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So one 6 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in one year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your F***ing Ferrari then?
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.
On reaching ten, Einstein uncovers his eyes, sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre.
You found Pascal!"
It's Einstein's turn so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides.
Newton draws a one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.
On reaching ten, Einstein uncovers his eyes, sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre.
You found Pascal!"
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
I was in Asda last night with the wife doing a bit of shopping, when I spotted 12 cans of lager for £10,
I was just about to put them in the trolley when the wife said, "What are you doing with those lagers?"
I said, "£10 for 12 cans of lager is a bargain."
"Put them back," she said, so I did...
We went up a few more aisles and came across the toiletries.
The wife picked up some face cream that cost £20 and put it in the trolley.
I said. "What the hell are you doing, and what do you want that for? It's £20. We can't afford it."
She said, "It's my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful."
I said, "So does 12 cans of lager and that's half the price."
I was just about to put them in the trolley when the wife said, "What are you doing with those lagers?"
I said, "£10 for 12 cans of lager is a bargain."
"Put them back," she said, so I did...
We went up a few more aisles and came across the toiletries.
The wife picked up some face cream that cost £20 and put it in the trolley.
I said. "What the hell are you doing, and what do you want that for? It's £20. We can't afford it."
She said, "It's my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful."
I said, "So does 12 cans of lager and that's half the price."
The owners of Carling, Stella Artois and Fosters walk into a bar together. The bartender realize these are the owners but decides to ask what they want to drink anyway.
He asks the Carling owner, "what would you like?" and he responds, "I'll have a Carling! The best beer ever!"
So the bartender gives him one.
He asks the Stella owner, "How about you? What would you like?" He responds, "Fosters of course, why would you choose anything else?"
Finally he asks the Fosters owner, "Let me guess? Fosters?" He says, "Nah mate, I'll have a water. If these fellas aren't drinking, then neither am I."
He asks the Carling owner, "what would you like?" and he responds, "I'll have a Carling! The best beer ever!"
So the bartender gives him one.
He asks the Stella owner, "How about you? What would you like?" He responds, "Fosters of course, why would you choose anything else?"
Finally he asks the Fosters owner, "Let me guess? Fosters?" He says, "Nah mate, I'll have a water. If these fellas aren't drinking, then neither am I."
On the subject of bars --
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre --
-- so he gave her one.
(Ronnie Corbett)
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre --
-- so he gave her one.
(Ronnie Corbett)
R
RogueHanger
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ......
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ......
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
We are in DEEP trouble...
The population of the UK is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work.
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan , etc .
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
The population of the UK is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work.
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan , etc .
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
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