Sh*t jokes forum.

[JBR]

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

(PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.)

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

 

[JBR]

There were gasps around the courtroom yesterday as Oscar Pistorius was asked to read out the valentines card Reeva had written for him ...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Please do not shoot
It's me on the loo!


There's the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game in the pubs... Whenever anyone goes to the toilet, you all have 4 shots.

 

[JBR]

An architectural historian was doing a survey of church architecture and decided to view as many large churches and cathedrals as he could.

He began at Inverness and couldn't help but notice, in the cathedral there, a golden telephone on the wall. Looking more closely, he saw a sign with the words, "Direct line to God. £10000 per minute." He thought it strange, but moved on.

At his next stop, Aberdeen, he saw exactly the same telephone and the same notice. Then the same in Edinburgh.

Moving in to England, and stopping at Carlisle Cathedral, he was astonished to see the same thing there: "Direct line to God. £10000 per minute." At his next stop, Newcastle Cathedral, precisely the same thing.
His next visit was to York Minster where he saw yet another golden telephone. This time, however, he found the wording a little different: "Direct line to God. 25p per minute."

Unable to contain himself, he asked the first member of staff he found why, when at every other place he had visited the charge was £10000 per minute, yet here it was only 25p per minute.

"Eeh lad," replied the verger, "That's because here it's a local call, tha knows."

(Shamelessly nicked from 'Vicars Telling Jokes' on TV.)

 

[Space cat]

Alright, it's late and I've drunk too much - but here goes anyway:

"How many North Korean women does it take to change a light bulb?"

"What's a woman?"

Time I wasn't here.

 

[RogueHanger]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in National Health Service Greater Glasgow (somebody stole No3 or perhaps it doesn't translate)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (eeeek)

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

[RogueHanger]

There's a page full of job adverts here fo you lot who were so dead set aganist PA.
I'm reliably informed that PA will not be practised, neither in the training, advertising, shortlisting or selction processes.

Untitled

• RogueHanger
• 3 May 2014
• 1

 

[longdogs]

I once met a customer who said that her mother had had three hip replacements.

 

[JBR]

I once met a customer who said that her mother had had three hip replacements.

I know it sounds funny, but it's perfectly possible. They wear out or become loose, you know!

 

[longdogs]

I once met a customer who said that her mother had had three hip replacements.

I know it sounds funny, but it's perfectly possible. They wear out or become loose, you know!

Of course. It just sounded funny at the time - maybe she was on Pegg ward.

 

[Whitespirit66]

Max Clifford's barrister has told the court his exact penis dimensions in order to help clear him.

That defence didn't work when my lawyer tried it. I still had to pay the parking fine.



Brendan Behan coined the phrase 'There is no such thing as bad publicity'. Max Clifford is unavailable to comment.



"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?



I see what Pistorius is doing; he is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released....Bam! President of South Africa.

That's how it works over there, right?



I see William Hill is taking bets on the Pistorius trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty.
1000/1 if he walks.

 

[gregers]

'G'day m8,fosters helpine,whats the problem dude?

im in austrailia with the girlfriend and shes been stung on the minge by a hornet,and now her fanny has completely closed up.

bummer dude.

thanks m8 bye.

 

[JBR]

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said,

"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said,

"Why kin they no play at neet?"

 

[JBR]

Q. Why did the baker have brown hands?

A. He needed a poo!

 

[MarkBarl]

On the subject of bars --

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre --








-- so he gave her one.

(Ronnie Corbett)

A sound engineer walks into the same bar and also asks for a double entendre so the barman gives him One, Two.

 

[JBR]

One MP about another:

"The honourable gentleman is, as the good Dr Spooner might have said, a shining wit."