john merrick in a santa outfit?
Sh*t jokes forum.
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The pilot
a pilot obviously! 
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Bloke meets a girl at a party. As the party comes to an end, he suggests that they go back to his place.
GIRL: "I can't go back with you tonight, because I'm on my menstrual cycle".
BLOKE: "That's OK, I'll follow you on my Honda".
The old ones are the best!
GIRL: "I can't go back with you tonight, because I'm on my menstrual cycle".
BLOKE: "That's OK, I'll follow you on my Honda".
The old ones are the best!
During WW1, the colonel was visiting the soldiers in a field hospital on The Somme to boost morale. He went up to a soldier who was lying in a bed.
"What's wrong with you soldier?" asked the colonel.
"Syphillis, sir" came the reply.
"What's the treatment?" enquired the colonel.
"Scrub the affected area three times a day" said the soldier.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get better and fight for King and country"
The colonel moved onto the soldier in the next bed.
What's wrong with you soldier?" he asked.
"Gonorrhea, sir!" replied the second soldier.
"And what's the treatment for that, soldier?" said the colonel.
"Scrub the affected are three times a day" said the soldier.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get better and fight for King and country", came the reply.
The colonel moved along to the soldier in the next bed.
"What are you being treated for, soldier?" he asked again.
"Laryngitis,sir", the third soldier uttered in a very weak and barely audible voice.
"And what's the treatment for that, soldier?" said the colonel.
"Scrub the affected are three times a day" said the soldier in hushed tones.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get to the brush before the other two!" came the reply.
"What's wrong with you soldier?" asked the colonel.
"Syphillis, sir" came the reply.
"What's the treatment?" enquired the colonel.
"Scrub the affected area three times a day" said the soldier.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get better and fight for King and country"
The colonel moved onto the soldier in the next bed.
What's wrong with you soldier?" he asked.
"Gonorrhea, sir!" replied the second soldier.
"And what's the treatment for that, soldier?" said the colonel.
"Scrub the affected are three times a day" said the soldier.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get better and fight for King and country", came the reply.
The colonel moved along to the soldier in the next bed.
"What are you being treated for, soldier?" he asked again.
"Laryngitis,sir", the third soldier uttered in a very weak and barely audible voice.
"And what's the treatment for that, soldier?" said the colonel.
"Scrub the affected are three times a day" said the soldier in hushed tones.
"And what's your ambition, soldier?" asked the colonel.
"To get to the brush before the other two!" came the reply.
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry, I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Love, and show him..."
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Love, and show him..."
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up Her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 70).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 70).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 80?
A woman's view
1. He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?
2 He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
3 He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4 He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him: They don't have time.
5 He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him: I don't know; it has never happened.
6 He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.
7 He said to me... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.
8 He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?
2 He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
3 He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
4 He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him: They don't have time.
5 He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him: I don't know; it has never happened.
6 He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.
7 He said to me... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.
8 He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
AUSTRALIAN ADVICE HELPLINE
Is that Aussie Helpline? G'day mate,
What's the problem cobber?
I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.
Bummer mate!
Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye.
Is that Aussie Helpline? G'day mate,
What's the problem cobber?
I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.
Bummer mate!
Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye.
A teacher was teaching her class of 8 year olds to use some longer words.
"Can anyone put the word 'advantageous' into a sentence?"
"Yes Miss" says Susie, "It is advantageous to use the bus if it is raining"
"Excellent Susie, now what about 'outrageous'?"
"Me Miss" says Peter, "My Mum thinks the price of crisps is outrageous"
"Good Peter, and who can put 'contagious' into a sentence?"
The class falls silent until eventually little Johnny puts up his hand.
"Yes Johnny?" she asks
"The other day, my Dad was watching our neighbour painting his fence with a one-inch paintbrush and he said it would take the contagious......"
"Can anyone put the word 'advantageous' into a sentence?"
"Yes Miss" says Susie, "It is advantageous to use the bus if it is raining"
"Excellent Susie, now what about 'outrageous'?"
"Me Miss" says Peter, "My Mum thinks the price of crisps is outrageous"
"Good Peter, and who can put 'contagious' into a sentence?"
The class falls silent until eventually little Johnny puts up his hand.
"Yes Johnny?" she asks
"The other day, my Dad was watching our neighbour painting his fence with a one-inch paintbrush and he said it would take the contagious......"
H
HerrNigred
.........and what about the word "fascinate"? Seamus any ideas?
"Ah bejeesus, t'be sure Miss, I've got a bomber jacket. It's got 9 buttons on the front but I can only fascinate!"
"Ah bejeesus, t'be sure Miss, I've got a bomber jacket. It's got 9 buttons on the front but I can only fascinate!"
Jock takes wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, shes got 2 black eyes, and big tufts of hair are missing.
The doctor says "what has happend to your wife'?
Jock replies,"going through the change" the doctor says,"that doesn't happen when a woman goes though the change".
Jock replied,"it does when its in my ****in coat pocket".
The doctor says "what has happend to your wife'?
Jock replies,"going through the change" the doctor says,"that doesn't happen when a woman goes though the change".
Jock replied,"it does when its in my ****in coat pocket".
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