can they get worse?

[DforDave]

Prince Charles was on a tour of Libya and visited El Azizia, one of the hottest places on earth. All the time he was there he insisted on wearing a fur hat! Even though his face was bright red with the heat and sweat was pouring down his face he refused to take the fur hat off.

At the end of the visit one of the local was brave enough to go up to him and ask why he had been wearing a fur hat for four hours in the world’s hottest place.

He replied “Ah well you see, one’s mummy told one to”.

Really, said the local.

“Yes” replied the Prince. “At breakfast on the morning I left England I told her I was going to El Azizia and she said, “Where the fox hat”.

 

[planenut]

The dogs of the world were invited to a big party, a massive party, all of the canine beasties were to be there, every one of them, all in one big venue, it was going to by great. Each one of them thought it would be a fantastic event, meeting every dog they had ever come across in the past. Alas, it was not to be for one poor thing, it didn't get an invite, and did he feel hurt.
The day of the "do" came and as they all arrived, some may have thought of the intensity of the pong that so many doggy bums could create, but the organizers had thought of that one; every dog, on entering had to hang it's bum up on a hook in the cloakroom, no exceptions.
The poor little wretch that did not get the invite sat outside, watching all the other dogs going in; he could hear the merriment that he was missing and felt so angry. What could he do to get his revenge.
An idea came to him and when the party was in full swing, he set off the fire alarms and one can imagine the chaos this caused with so many guests from all walks of park etc. racing to leave the building and in the rush, having to collect their bums from the cloakroom and escape the imagined inferno; but in that rush no dog got the right bum and that is why to this day when a dog meets another, it checks to see if it's got his bum.

 

[pipme]

Wot a bummer !!

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship suddenly it is sinking. Perot orders all women to head for the life boats.
Bush says 'Screw the women!', as he dashes for the boats.
Clinton pauses, briefly, asking "Do we have time?"


What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.

 

[pipme]

ooooer !!

 

[pipme]

"Yer final bungy jump cobber"

"Switch the shower off when you finish for gawds sake"

 

[DforDave]

Two men who had both led a vile and evil life as partners in crime were killed and went straight to Hell. The first one went before the “jury” to learn his punishment and was introduced to the foulest and ugliest women he had ever seen. His punishment was that he had to spend all his time in hell with this awful woman as his living, eating and sleeping partner. He must spend his days and nights with her, and no other woman.

A few days of complete misery later he was walking along with his dog of a woman when he saw his previous partner walking along arm in arm with the best looking blond girl he had ever seen. Fantastic figure, beautiful face, attractively dressed – everything he had ever dreamed of when he was alive.

He stormed over and demanded to know why his ex-partner had been given such a beauty whilst he, who had been perhaps a little less evil than his partner, had been punished with such a disgusting and foul woman.

His partner laughed and explained “No, you have got it wrong.
I didn’t get HER as my punishment.
She got ME as hers !”

 

[planenut]

Prisoner of war camp, and there happens to be a right plonker amongst them (in the interest of political correctness, I shall say no more). All the lads tell him that they are going to help him escape and so he pays particular attention. They say to him "when it's dark, they switch the searchlights on, we'll help you up the ladder, you can climb onto the searchlight beam, run along it and when you get the other side of the fence you can hop off and make your escape"
He says "do you take me for a complete idiot, when i'm halfway along.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
they'll switch it off !"

 

[pipme]

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between Medium and Rare?
A. 6 inches is medium 9 inches is rare
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between "oooooohhhhh" and "aaaaaahhhhhh"?
A. About 3 inches
~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Topical .. or not ? :-
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~
They called it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Navy

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.

 

[TraineeSpark]

Don't know if this one's been on before, but here goes...

It's a new teachers first day at a school in Southampton. To break the ice she asks the kids who support Saints. Every kid in the class except Johnny put their hands up. "So who do you support then Johnny?" He replies "I'm a Portsmouth fan miss."
"So why are you a Portsmouth fan, Johnny?"
"Because my mum and dad support Pompey, miss."
The teacher explains "You don't have to do something just becuse everyone else does it. After all, what would you be if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a crack-addict, Johnny?"
He replies "I would be a Saints fan, miss."

 

[breezer]

the navy / lighthouse one has ben mentioned before, except it was the brits and the navy

 

[kevplumb]

right the local vicar is having an affair with the local mayors wife
just as he hits the spot theres a flash of light through the bedroom curtains
vicar jumps up looks out of the window and sees somebody legging it down the path
next day vicar is walking thro the local park when he sees a guy with the ugliest dog ever
morning vicar says the owner do you like my dog its for sale
vicar replies very nice then notices a photo stuck in the dogs collar

ahem how much do you want for the dog he asks ?

£100 says the guy
money changes hands and they part company vicar takes the dog home

when he gets in the housekeeper sees the dog and says to the vicar whats that ?

vicar says new dog do you like it ive just bought it ?

housekeeper says how much did you pay ?
£100 says the vicar
at this the housekeeper folds up laughing

what says the vicar ?

house keeper replies

he must have seen you coming

 

[kendor]

the navy / lighthouse one has ben mentioned before, except it was the brits and the navy

I've heard it with the Austrian and the Swiss Navy

 

[pipme]

Histories of the First World War tend to concentrate on the great armies fighting on the Western Front, the fleet battles in the North Sea or the struggle against the U-boat in the Atlantic. Less well known is the war in the Adriatic where the Habsburg empire of Austria-Hungary had a navy consisting of four dreadnoughts, six 20 knot battleships, seven 2nd class battleships, four cruisers, four old cruisers (two armoured and two torpedo rams) with numerous destroyers and torpedo boats and eighteen submarines.

Switzerland does have a small navy of sorts. Lakes Konstanz and Leman (Geneva) form international frontiers, and their navies consist of a few patrol craft. Switzerland also has a major Rhine commercial fleet (you can see the Swiss flag flying all the way to the Netherlands), which military patrol craft in time of war. Both the navy and air force are branches of the army (like the infantry and artillery). The air force is respected -- so good that Israel used it as their model.
T. F. Mills, 12 February 1996

Merry Christmas.

 

[planenut]

A young couple get married and yet find the subject of "love" difficult to talk of, they are embarrassed to ask each other to participate in nooky. They agree that to deal with this point they would talk of it in this way; if she wanted to, she would say "darling, would you like to use my washing machine?", or he would say, "darling can I use your washing machine?
This went quite well until one night and he asked "Darling can I use your washine machine?" and she replied "I am sorry, I have a headache" and she turned away.
Some time later, she turns towards him and says "darling I feel better now, would you like to use my washing machine now?" and he says ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No, it's alright, it was only a small bundle, i've done it by hand!"

 

[DforDave]

Late one night; a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges
it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........







The coffin stopped