can they get worse?

[pipme]

Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital while working to reform healthcare in the U.S. As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different functions of the hospital to her.
Eventually, they pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary could clearly see a middle aged man mast urbating with great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor and said,
"What kind of hospital are you running here Doctor?" The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate three times daily, or his testicles would swell and he would die. Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved on.
A few minutes later, they came across another open room, yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving a different middle aged man oral s ex. Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.
"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This man suffers from the same ailment as the last man................. however, he has a much better health plan."

 

[kevplumb]

now that is funny (or i am )

 

[pipme]

"I said , keep those three b*****s apart !!"

"Come on punk, make my day !"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."
Muhammad Ali.

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."
Jeffrey Bernard.

"They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken."
Walter Hagen.

 

[pipme]

now that is funny (or i am )

========>> <<========

 

[kevplumb]

crossed post mate

 

[pipme]

Plumb on old son !!

 

[ninebob]

The coffin stopped

That's gotta be the best one yet!
Can't wait to tell it dramatically in the pub....

 

[pipme]

In the same scary vein as DforDave's 'coffin' :-

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, Kev was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, Kev ran, and urged the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

[pipme]

An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
have a bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an e rection and,
basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

wife.. "Well, what can you do?"

u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
standard but it will cost you an extra $500."

wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
problem which is a little less expensive?"

The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.

u/t.. "We could remove his p enis."

wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his pen is and insert it in his
rec tum."

wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
the last time.

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
hurts, doesn't it?"

 

[pipme]

Ah So!!

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

 

[andy]

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his
lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that
would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of
court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the
tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them."

"What?? You did???"

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's
business card."

 

[planenut]

A lean looking whimpish guy was in a pub and getting fed up with the comments about "six stone weaklings" and other jibes, so he challenged everyone; "I can run faster than any one of you can drive in your cars!"
A somewhat bold statement, but he was confident.
After much laughter one chap steps forward to take up the challenge.
So they all assemble in the car park, and "slim jim" takes up his position, as his opponent climbs into his Porsche sports, laughing and smirking.
They set off, and all the remaining crowd go back indoors (cos' we don't use them again".
The chap in his Porsche thinks he won't embarrass the guy in front of the pub and sets off at a slow speed, and sees matey boy in his mirror, apparently comfortably trotting behind, so he speeds it up a bit, and is surprised that at thirty miles an hour, he has the same view in his mirror.
So he takes off a little and is moving at sixty miles an hour now, put some music on as he confidently surveys the mirror - but No! the guys still there; so he thinks this can't be right, and speeds up again, ninety miles an hour, and much to his amazement, that guy is still running behind him, he doesn't appear to be losing him at all. Getting fed up now the driver knocks it down a gear and slides into a series of bends coming out at about a hundred - looks in his mirror -
and he's not there, he cheers and turns round.
The skinny oik is all tangled in a tree just off the road on one of the bends and the driver helps him out saying "There, now what happened to that challenge?"
Indeed he looked a mess but was able to say "Oh come on, What do you expect when you get a blow out in your plimsolls?"

 

[DforDave]

One to annoy the kids with over Christmas…

You: Can you name three fish that start with the letter K and end with the letter K ?
Kids: After some thought…no.
You: Well, the first one is Killer Shark
Kids: Groan….What are the others ?
You: The second one is Kwiksave Frozen Haddock
Kids: More groans….and the third one ?
You: Kilmarnok
Kids: Kilmarnok ???? That’s not a fish
You: Yes it is…it’s a place !

 

[DforDave]

And one not for the kids….

A woman is suffering from breathlessness so her husband takes her to see the doctor.
Whist she is getting dressed after the examination the doctor says to the husband
Your wife has Acute Angina.
Husband says
Yes, I know. Her t*ts aren’t bad either.

 

[pipme]

...........
You: Yes it is&#8230;it&#8217;s a place, in Scotland !

Well that's how I heard it !!