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- 1 Jun 2004
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Tis Christmas, get the oven on.........
"A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.......
but.......a turkey's only got two legs
A man goes into the doctor's, "doctor everybody thinks i'm nuts cos' I love sausages"
Doctor says "nothing wrong with that, I love sausages!"
Man replies "that's great, you must come round, i've got hundreds!"
What do you call a man who only goes into women doctors?
Normal - it's all in the punctuation !
What do you call a man who comes into a doctor's?
A patient .
"A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.......
but.......a turkey's only got two legs
A man goes into the doctor's, "doctor everybody thinks i'm nuts cos' I love sausages"
Doctor says "nothing wrong with that, I love sausages!"
Man replies "that's great, you must come round, i've got hundreds!"
What do you call a man who only goes into women doctors?
Normal - it's all in the punctuation !
What do you call a man who comes into a doctor's?
A patient .
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
A girl goes to the Doctors
"Doctor I am pregnant!"
Doctor examines her and declares, "there's no doubt about it, You're Not!"
Girl insists
Doctor examines her again and declares "No you're not and you are a virgin, you have never had it!"
She is so insistent "I am pregnant!"
Doctor runs to the window and is appearing to be desperately searching for something in the sky, peering this way and that.
Girl asks him what on earth is the matter......
Doctor says "well the last time this happened there was a bright star in the East and I don't want to miss it this time!"
"Doctor I am pregnant!"
Doctor examines her and declares, "there's no doubt about it, You're Not!"
Girl insists
Doctor examines her again and declares "No you're not and you are a virgin, you have never had it!"
She is so insistent "I am pregnant!"
Doctor runs to the window and is appearing to be desperately searching for something in the sky, peering this way and that.
Girl asks him what on earth is the matter......
Doctor says "well the last time this happened there was a bright star in the East and I don't want to miss it this time!"
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Murphy was sitting in a pub in Ireland one afternoon sharing his thoughts with a stranger sitting by his side.
"Ay," said Murray, after sipping his drink, "Ya see that fence down thar' by the road. Ay, I built that fence, I did, every slat and every post, I built."
He took another drink and continued, "But 'ya don't hear 'em callin' me 'Murphy the fence builder' now, do 'ya." He shook his head and paused for a moment, then pointed out the window.
"Ay, and 'ya see that there lighthouse down by the beach. Ay, I built that lighthouse, laid every brick one by one, ay, I did."
He took a drink. "But 'ya don't hear anyone callin' me 'Murphy the lighthouse builder,' do 'ya, now."
The man rolled his eyes, but Murphy continued after another drink. "Ay, and that dock down there, that dock I built by myself, I did, one board at a time, ay, I built it. But 'ya don't every hear anybody callin' me 'Murphy the dock builder,' do 'ya."
He stared into his drink before taking another long swallow.
Ay, but 'ya fall asleep naked just once in a goat pen . . ."
"Ay," said Murray, after sipping his drink, "Ya see that fence down thar' by the road. Ay, I built that fence, I did, every slat and every post, I built."
He took another drink and continued, "But 'ya don't hear 'em callin' me 'Murphy the fence builder' now, do 'ya." He shook his head and paused for a moment, then pointed out the window.
"Ay, and 'ya see that there lighthouse down by the beach. Ay, I built that lighthouse, laid every brick one by one, ay, I did."
He took a drink. "But 'ya don't hear anyone callin' me 'Murphy the lighthouse builder,' do 'ya, now."
The man rolled his eyes, but Murphy continued after another drink. "Ay, and that dock down there, that dock I built by myself, I did, one board at a time, ay, I built it. But 'ya don't every hear anybody callin' me 'Murphy the dock builder,' do 'ya."
He stared into his drink before taking another long swallow.
Ay, but 'ya fall asleep naked just once in a goat pen . . ."
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,
deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims
you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness
to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess
refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The
lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess Gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways............but FORWARDS...Yes FORWARDS, one claw after
another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"F*ck, I'm p*ssed."
deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims
you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness
to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess
refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The
lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess Gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways............but FORWARDS...Yes FORWARDS, one claw after
another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"F*ck, I'm p*ssed."
B
breezer
old mate of mine loved this one.
what is brown and sticky?
a stick
++++++++++++++
here is another
bloke walks into the doctors:
Doctor says, why have you a jelly in one ear and a blamange in the other?
Man: speak up, i am a triffle deaf
++++++++++++++
'ere, you heard that blokes's a crack head
whos that then?
humpty dumpty
what is brown and sticky?
a stick
++++++++++++++
here is another
bloke walks into the doctors:
Doctor says, why have you a jelly in one ear and a blamange in the other?
Man: speak up, i am a triffle deaf
++++++++++++++
'ere, you heard that blokes's a crack head
whos that then?
humpty dumpty
Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments...... Bill's wife followed and asked; Did you see anything that you liked under there?
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did....She said; Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m and upon entering the
house; asked his wife abruptly. Did John come by the house this afternoon?
With a lump in her throat Sue answered; Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon. Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked And did he give you $500?
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying;
Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments...... Bill's wife followed and asked; Did you see anything that you liked under there?
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did....She said; Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m and upon entering the
house; asked his wife abruptly. Did John come by the house this afternoon?
With a lump in her throat Sue answered; Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon. Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked And did he give you $500?
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying;
Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
....then there was the couple who fell on hard times, and the guy knew that his wife had been extravagent with his earnings.
To solve the problem, he told her to go on the "game".
At the end of the first day he came home and asked her how she had got on?
She replied "alright!"
He asked "how much did you get?"
She replied "one hundred pounds and fifty pence!"
He asked "what mean b* stard gave you fifty pence?"
She said "all of them!"
To solve the problem, he told her to go on the "game".
At the end of the first day he came home and asked her how she had got on?
She replied "alright!"
He asked "how much did you get?"
She replied "one hundred pounds and fifty pence!"
He asked "what mean b* stard gave you fifty pence?"
She said "all of them!"
Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?” The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.” So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?” Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?” Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.” And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”
With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”
P
With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”
P
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