- Status
Sponsored Links
- Joined
- 11 Jan 2004
- Messages
- 43,930
- Reaction score
- 2,884
- Country
When you get old, do you suffer from p enile dementia?
And when a japanese brain surgeon has his b-day, does he cerebrate?
(Made that one up, folks!)
And when a japanese brain surgeon has his b-day, does he cerebrate?
(Made that one up, folks!)
An amateur soccer team couldn’t find a man to be their physio during their games so the manager’s very attractive wife agreed to do at.
During the first game one of her players was hit in a very delicate place by the ball, and lay doubled up on the pitch.
The manager’s wife ran on to the pitch, put her hand inside his shorts, grabbed hold of his privates, and said “Say ninety-nine”,
The player gazed into her eyes and said “One”…....”Two”…....”Three”…....
During the first game one of her players was hit in a very delicate place by the ball, and lay doubled up on the pitch.
The manager’s wife ran on to the pitch, put her hand inside his shorts, grabbed hold of his privates, and said “Say ninety-nine”,
The player gazed into her eyes and said “One”…....”Two”…....”Three”…....
A milkman knocks at the door of a bored housewife for payment of the weekly bill. The young lady comes to door and apologises "I'm sorry milkman but I haven't got your money this week, could I perhaps pay you in kind instead?" Understanding exactly what she means, the milkman goes inside and hurriedly has his way with her. Feeling quite unsatisfied the woman indignantly says, "Is that it?" to which the milkman replies, "Well what do you expect for £6.48"
Sponsored Links
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the farmyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the farmyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
A chappy buys a brand new sports car and decides to take it for a spin in the country, off he sets, gaining more confidence in his fine machine as he travels.
Two old country lads were on a tractor in a field (that's a green thing in the countryside) and preparing to drive back to the farm for lunch.
Chappy now finding he can slide the back of the car slightly as he's giving it a bit more welly.......
Our farming pair, have just got the tractor out of the field into the middle of the lane, one of them is shutting the gate as.......
Oh My! they look up and hammering towards them at break-neck speed they see a sports car, they are still blocking the lane with the tractor....
Chappy now at full belt, spies the tractor in the road ahead of him and in the panic thinking he's not going to make it.......swerves the vehicle, over the grass verge through the hedge, through the field, through the hedge, over the grass verge on to the road and vroom, disappears down the road.
One bumpkin turns to the other and says
"CCCCChrist! we only just got out of that field in time!"
Two old country lads were on a tractor in a field (that's a green thing in the countryside) and preparing to drive back to the farm for lunch.
Chappy now finding he can slide the back of the car slightly as he's giving it a bit more welly.......
Our farming pair, have just got the tractor out of the field into the middle of the lane, one of them is shutting the gate as.......
Oh My! they look up and hammering towards them at break-neck speed they see a sports car, they are still blocking the lane with the tractor....
Chappy now at full belt, spies the tractor in the road ahead of him and in the panic thinking he's not going to make it.......swerves the vehicle, over the grass verge through the hedge, through the field, through the hedge, over the grass verge on to the road and vroom, disappears down the road.
One bumpkin turns to the other and says
"CCCCChrist! we only just got out of that field in time!"
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
A cowboy riding through the outback comes across an indian, laying in the track, with his ear to the ground.......
the cowboy parks his horse, gets off, saunters over to where the indian lay, and bobs down to whisper , "what is it, can you hear something?"
the indian hardly moves, but his eyes turn toward the stranger.......and he says "stagecoach, four horses, four wheels, passed this way, four days ago"
The cowboy is somewhat amazed at the ability of the indian though he had heard tales of their skill in hearing long distances, and he says
"you can tell that by listening to the ground?"
The indian, still not moving, looks at the cowboy and says.......
"No you pr*t, it ran over me!"
the cowboy parks his horse, gets off, saunters over to where the indian lay, and bobs down to whisper , "what is it, can you hear something?"
the indian hardly moves, but his eyes turn toward the stranger.......and he says "stagecoach, four horses, four wheels, passed this way, four days ago"
The cowboy is somewhat amazed at the ability of the indian though he had heard tales of their skill in hearing long distances, and he says
"you can tell that by listening to the ground?"
The indian, still not moving, looks at the cowboy and says.......
"No you pr*t, it ran over me!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t****r wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there..
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t****r wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there..
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
Once upon a time there was a large building, which had a rather complex heating system. One day a problem developed, which none of the technicians could solve. Eventually it was decided to call the wise old repair man to solve the problem.
He showed up, and carefully studied the system, checking temperatures, inspecting various parts of the system. He then, in front of those assembled, made a chalk mark on the side of the boiler, pulled out a sledge hammer, and gave it one very forcefull hit on the mark.
Within minutes, the system was found to be in full working order.
The repairman then presented his bill $75 (an old story) to the boss. The boss complained "I'm not paying $75 for hitting the boiler with a hammer".
The RepairMan? replied:
Hitting the boiler was free, Knowing where to hit the boiler is $75.
He showed up, and carefully studied the system, checking temperatures, inspecting various parts of the system. He then, in front of those assembled, made a chalk mark on the side of the boiler, pulled out a sledge hammer, and gave it one very forcefull hit on the mark.
Within minutes, the system was found to be in full working order.
The repairman then presented his bill $75 (an old story) to the boss. The boss complained "I'm not paying $75 for hitting the boiler with a hammer".
The RepairMan? replied:
Hitting the boiler was free, Knowing where to hit the boiler is $75.
Here’s an old one….
A guy named Alan met an old friend, Albert, who was looking as miserable as miserable can look. He asked him what was wrong and Albert said that he was sick and tired of his nagging complaining wife. In fact he was so fed up he was seriously thinking of killing her. Alan said that he would only get himself into trouble if he did anything silly, but as he was obviously so unhappy he could recommend someone who would do the job for him – at a price. He explained that the assassin, Arti (short for Arthur) could be found any evening in the public bar of a local pub.
Albert met Arthur and they discussed the “job”. Arthur said he would do it, but it would cost Albert £1 – in advance. Albert thought about this for a while then said, “that’s a lot of money but if it gets rid of her it will be worth it”! Arthur then asked for some details of the wife’s movements, what she looked like etc, and Albert said that she always went to the local supermarket on Wednesday mornings, and always wore a long red coat and a white fur hat. Albert paid his £1 and they parted company.
On Wednesday morning Arthur positioned himself outside the supermarket and waited. Before long a lady with a long red coat and a white fur hat passed him and entered the store. Arthur followed her in, round the shelves, until they reached the frozen food section. Checking no one else was around he crept up behind her, strangled her, and shoved her into a chest freezer amongst the frozen beef.
As he left the supermarket what should he see but another lady coming in, wearing a long red coat and a white fur hat. He was a bit flummoxed by this but quickly thought, “I have taken Albert’s money now so I have got to make sure I keep my end of the bargain”. So he follows the second lady round the supermarket until they get to the frozen food section. Checking no one else was around as before he goes up behind her, strangles her, and shoves her into a freezer amongst the tubs of ice cream. This time he manages to leave the supermarket without a problem.
Albert spends the best evening and night he has had for years, with no wife to nag him. In the morning, feeling years younger and over the moon about his new-found freedom he decides to go to the newsagents to get a local paper – hopefully he might see something about his ex wife to really prove that his misery was over for good.
He goes into the newsagents, buys a local paper and there, on the front page, was the confirmation that he was looking for…
“Artichokes two for a pound at Tescos”.
A guy named Alan met an old friend, Albert, who was looking as miserable as miserable can look. He asked him what was wrong and Albert said that he was sick and tired of his nagging complaining wife. In fact he was so fed up he was seriously thinking of killing her. Alan said that he would only get himself into trouble if he did anything silly, but as he was obviously so unhappy he could recommend someone who would do the job for him – at a price. He explained that the assassin, Arti (short for Arthur) could be found any evening in the public bar of a local pub.
Albert met Arthur and they discussed the “job”. Arthur said he would do it, but it would cost Albert £1 – in advance. Albert thought about this for a while then said, “that’s a lot of money but if it gets rid of her it will be worth it”! Arthur then asked for some details of the wife’s movements, what she looked like etc, and Albert said that she always went to the local supermarket on Wednesday mornings, and always wore a long red coat and a white fur hat. Albert paid his £1 and they parted company.
On Wednesday morning Arthur positioned himself outside the supermarket and waited. Before long a lady with a long red coat and a white fur hat passed him and entered the store. Arthur followed her in, round the shelves, until they reached the frozen food section. Checking no one else was around he crept up behind her, strangled her, and shoved her into a chest freezer amongst the frozen beef.
As he left the supermarket what should he see but another lady coming in, wearing a long red coat and a white fur hat. He was a bit flummoxed by this but quickly thought, “I have taken Albert’s money now so I have got to make sure I keep my end of the bargain”. So he follows the second lady round the supermarket until they get to the frozen food section. Checking no one else was around as before he goes up behind her, strangles her, and shoves her into a freezer amongst the tubs of ice cream. This time he manages to leave the supermarket without a problem.
Albert spends the best evening and night he has had for years, with no wife to nag him. In the morning, feeling years younger and over the moon about his new-found freedom he decides to go to the newsagents to get a local paper – hopefully he might see something about his ex wife to really prove that his misery was over for good.
He goes into the newsagents, buys a local paper and there, on the front page, was the confirmation that he was looking for…
“Artichokes two for a pound at Tescos”.
- Status
Sponsored Links
