B
breezer
what do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
an egg
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
an egg
- Status
Sponsored Links
- Joined
- 8 Feb 2005
- Messages
- 14
- Reaction score
- 0
- Country
Two couples have a dinner together, and after coffee and mints the wives go into the kitchen to commence the washing up while the husbands light up cigars and pour themselves a glass of port.
One of the men says to the other "Oh, I know what I meant to tell you! Went to that new restaurant in town the other night with the other half. Very good! Great service, simply wonderful food, superb wine list and all very reasonably priced. Thoroughly recommend it old chap, you should take the wife there one day."
"Do you know I might just do that" replies the other man " what the name of this restaurant?"
The first man blusters and stammers for a bit
"Bless my soul" he finally exclaims "blowed if I can remember! Help me out here will you? What's the name of that flower that men often give to women?"
"Do you mean a "rose"?" replies the second man
"That's it!" says the first and looking in the direction of the kitchen shouts out
"Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"
One of the men says to the other "Oh, I know what I meant to tell you! Went to that new restaurant in town the other night with the other half. Very good! Great service, simply wonderful food, superb wine list and all very reasonably priced. Thoroughly recommend it old chap, you should take the wife there one day."
"Do you know I might just do that" replies the other man " what the name of this restaurant?"
The first man blusters and stammers for a bit
"Bless my soul" he finally exclaims "blowed if I can remember! Help me out here will you? What's the name of that flower that men often give to women?"
"Do you mean a "rose"?" replies the second man
"That's it!" says the first and looking in the direction of the kitchen shouts out
"Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with al! the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with al! the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Sponsored Links
- Joined
- 28 Nov 2003
- Messages
- 1,021
- Reaction score
- 1
- Country
One Saturday morning Fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long-johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage, hooks up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50mph. Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. He puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.
Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"
Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"
The SAS had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the SAS agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
- Joined
- 1 Jun 2004
- Messages
- 698
- Reaction score
- 19
- Country
An old boy had been in charge of his sewer section for all his working life, he knew every manhole cover, every pipe, every outlet and inlet, everything about his work. However, he was getting toward retirement and the company decided to take on a new, younger chap, in preparation for the old boy's retirement.
The young lad arrived at the appointed place to join the old timer for his first look around the network of drains. After greeting, introduction, and a brief chat they set off for a walk around the "patch".
They had descended from a manhole in the street, down a ladder into the murky, smelly, strange world in which the young man had decided to make his future, well for the moment.
As they walked, and stumbled through the dark, damp, stinking tunnels the young man could not help but admire the old'n for his knowledge and expertise and was listening to his every word.......
"that lump floating down there" the old boy said as he illuminated a great "effort" floating by with his torch, "that's from Tatler Street"; a little futher on "that one over there, that's come from Carlisle Road". This went on for some time, the old fellow, obviously revelling in the company and the attention, occasionally allowing his torchlight to introduce some other pile of waste bobbing along in the continuous tide of ...........well, you know.
Then the old boy, seeming to excel with this one, stops, shines his torch on a larger lump, brown and shiny, silvery in the light, as it slides out of a pipe into the mainstream saying "and that, that comes from number 16 Old Street". The youngster could not hold back on the admiration saying "how on earth can you tell that" as the old man stoops down picking up the lump saying
.
.
.
.
.
.
."me missus always sends me sandwiches like that!"
The young lad arrived at the appointed place to join the old timer for his first look around the network of drains. After greeting, introduction, and a brief chat they set off for a walk around the "patch".
They had descended from a manhole in the street, down a ladder into the murky, smelly, strange world in which the young man had decided to make his future, well for the moment.
As they walked, and stumbled through the dark, damp, stinking tunnels the young man could not help but admire the old'n for his knowledge and expertise and was listening to his every word.......
"that lump floating down there" the old boy said as he illuminated a great "effort" floating by with his torch, "that's from Tatler Street"; a little futher on "that one over there, that's come from Carlisle Road". This went on for some time, the old fellow, obviously revelling in the company and the attention, occasionally allowing his torchlight to introduce some other pile of waste bobbing along in the continuous tide of ...........well, you know.
Then the old boy, seeming to excel with this one, stops, shines his torch on a larger lump, brown and shiny, silvery in the light, as it slides out of a pipe into the mainstream saying "and that, that comes from number 16 Old Street". The youngster could not hold back on the admiration saying "how on earth can you tell that" as the old man stoops down picking up the lump saying
.
.
.
.
.
.
."me missus always sends me sandwiches like that!"
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender!
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Nah Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times !"
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender!
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Nah Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times !"
THE DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE!!!!!!!!!
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's cool
2005: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university in February across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had Foxtel, Sky or Optus.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's cool
2005: Moving to the Gold Coast because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university in February across the nation were born in 1987.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had Foxtel, Sky or Optus.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
masona said:
Late for Sept 2004 or early Sept 2005 ?
-------
Lost the constant resource drain of buying cigarettes, replaced with mobile phones and txt messaging costs -- Bet old Gordo has his eye on taxing that lot sooner or later.
-------
Male and female driver approaching each other, female notices man leaning from drivers window, thinks "I'll give as good as I get !!"
Man shouts in agitated fashion " Horse !!"
Woman replies top of voice at the same instant with lusty "W****r !!"
Smiles to herself as takes the left hand bend at 75 mph .....
Result ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Horses can be tons of fun under the bonnet, not in yer face !!
Two morals here :-
1) Women never understand what men say.
2) When you next 'stretch the general' in those winding country lanes ... just think of the strange passenger you may involuntarily pick up ..
Man shouts in agitated fashion " Horse !!"
Woman replies top of voice at the same instant with lusty "W****r !!"
Smiles to herself as takes the left hand bend at 75 mph .....
Result ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Horses can be tons of fun under the bonnet, not in yer face !!
Two morals here :-
1) Women never understand what men say.
2) When you next 'stretch the general' in those winding country lanes ... just think of the strange passenger you may involuntarily pick up ..
pipme said:
I would hazard a guess it is an aussie thing, their academic year is the same as the calendar year.
1987... ah yes, the year I got in trouble for trying to look at my friend Sarah's knickers in the playground... She's a doctor now
Anyway, hope this one isn't too rude:
A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.
The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
- Status
Sponsored Links
